The Saga Of Explorer Bear

The Travels of Explorer Bear

    A few years back (geez I can't believe how fast they've gone!) I had a seven year old grand-daughter - seven going on seventeen - who was into art and words and the idea of travel. Smudge definitely isn't seven any more but she's still into art and words and travel. But like so many of us a part of her is still seven. And I pray it will always be that way.

    Anyway, back when Smudge was seven we decided to send our favourite bear - he lives on my bookshelf when he's in town - on a trip around the world. To see what happens to a travelling bear who's had a sheltered life and is just a bit naïve. And we got him to sent back regular reports on his travels. It was a heap of fun.

    So, this series is for all of you who still have a seven year old inside. And/or have a seven year old blessed with a mix of fun, adventure, silliness, and escapism.

    Cheers

           T.R.E.
 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Email Message  .  +

TO  :               Smudge

FROM :        Explorer Bear
SUBJECT :  I think I need a holiday
DATE :          Dec 22^nd
 

 

Hi Smudge,

 

    I've been sitting on this book shelf for a long time now and I thought it was time I went exploring.  I was named Xavier ‘Explorer’ Bear after my great-uncle who discovered the Wascubi tribe on the headwaters of the Pakabaggi River in eighteen hundred and something. So I have a reputation to think of.  And I thought I could take some sandwiches and stuff in my back-pack, and I’ve got fifty dollars saved up.  So why not?  But I don't know where I'll be going.  Maybe I'll just see what happens. Whattaya reckon?

 

    And I could take my new iPad and send you a blog postcard thingy if I see anything really interesting, or meet some of my relatives, although I’ve heard that some of them from the Grizzly side of my family can be a bit unfriendly.  Yep, I’ve decided, I’m off!

Your friend

       Ex

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Wed 24^th

(Xmas Eve)

Hi Smudge,

    OMG I can’t believe I'm really going!  I've got my iPad packed and the guy down at the Telstra shop says it's connected to the internet no matter where I go in the known world but it’s costing me an arm and a leg even though I explained that Explorer Bears don’t earn much except when they discover buried treasure. But he still charged me an arm and a leg. Actually, the nearest thing to buried treasure I’ve ever found was a ten cent piece but it was bent and it looked like a wombat had swallowed it and then - well, you know what I mean.  It was really gross!  I didn't even pick it up.

    But I thought I’d save some money by ringing up the local Post Office this morning, and I told them my name was Xavier E Bear and that I was going to travel to faraway places with strange sounding names and would it be okay for me to get a lift to the airport with the postie. The man at the Post Office laughed a bit, but he said -

    "No worries mate, that’ll be all right, we do it all the time! I'll send some one around this afternoon."

    So now I'm waiting here all ready to go.

    I wonder what's going to happen to me?  I wonder if I should’ve taken out travel insurance? I wonder if the airline serves brandy pudding?

       More soon,

             Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Fri 26^th Dec

Hi Smudge,

    I waited and waited and waited for the postie to come to give me a lift to the airport, and I was just starting to think I was going to miss my plane and I wouldn't be going after all when this big fat lady on a big fat motorbike pulled up and said -

    "Hel-lo Sweetie, what's a cute little guy like you'all doing waiting here on your own?"

    "I'm waiting for the postie Mam, because he said he'd give me a lift to the airport...", but I was really thinking `Wow!  - this lady is BIG!!  I hope I don't have to try out my karate on HER.'

    "Would you like a lift with me then?"

    I don't know much about big fat mamas with tattoos who ride big fat motorbikes but she sort of looked friendly and she smiled a lot and I didn't think she would be the sort of person who goes around kidnapping bears so I said thank you very much ... Lady (whooo, I nearly said BIG MAMA - that might’ve been a major mistake!) and I hopped on but there was so much – y’know – OF her, there wasn't a whole lot of room left on the seat for me. But hey, I didn't care, because I was OFF at last!

    More soon...

        Ex

            (Oh no!  - I think I forgot to pack my Visa card!)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sat 27th Dec

 

Hi Smudge,

    Wow-whee!  The big lady with the tattoos went like a rocket and dropped me off at the airport in time but then she charged me twenty dollars plus GST and that’s twenty two bucks but I wasn’t about to argue with HER.  So now half my money is gone before I even start.  How am I going to get enough for food?

    It’s lucky I've already paid for my plane ticket.  It only cost me fifteen dollars and twenty cents so I put on my Xmas hat just in case I could get an extra serve of roast turkey and brandy pudding (whoo, I LOVE brandy pudding!) but then realised that they didn't say if their extra cheap 'Travelling Bear' special ticket prices included any meals.  I must learn to check things out better before I dive in.

    It's a company called "Trevs Antique Airplanes" and I thought $15.20 was pretty cheap for an around-the-world-travelling-bear ticket and now I can see why!  There's no jet engines!  But I suppose I can get by without a few jet engines, as long as I get some brandy pudding.  Boy, am I hungry!

    Your friend

              Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Mon 29^th Dec 

Hi Smudge,

    Look, all I said was -

     "WHY can't I have some brandy pudding?  I'm sure it said on the ticket that anyone flying with TAA around Xmas who is wearing a Xmas hat gets brandy pudding!" (It didn't actually say that on the ticket but for a whole $15.20 I thought it was worth a try).  But the pilot said -

     "Listen shorty, that's the silliest thing I've ever heard!"  So I said -

     "I don't ask for much, just a slice of brandy pudding, maybe with a bit of pecan icecream with it.  And why aren't you flying the plane?!", and the pilot said -

     "What's it got to do with you who's flying the plane?", and I said -

     "Well sir, I just like to know those sorts of things!", and then he says -

     "Are you going to be a troublemaker shorty?"

    I HATE being called Shorty! So, I unbuckled my seat belt and stood up as tall as I could and said -

     "Only if I don't get my slice of brandy pudding!!  And I do karate you know", but my eyes only came up to his knees so it was hard to sound tough and I was fairly sure I wasn't going to get my brandy pudding.  He just smiled and said -

     "I think you'd better sit down and behave yourself or I'll have to ask you to leave."  So then I said -

     "Okay, I'm out of here", and next thing I know I've got my nice new parachute on (I packed everything I thought I might need) and like a total fool I'm out the door with no idea where I'm going to land and wondering if I'll be able to get a part refund on my ticket.

    This isn't a very good start to my holiday. AND I’m feeling crabby!

    More soon,

        Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tues 30^th Dec 

Hi Smudge,

    Crabby crabby CRABBY!  And all the way down I’m trying to remember all that Gravity and Momentum stuff about falling objects that I studied up on just in case I ever had to jump out of an aeroplane one day and all I could think of was – where the HECK am I going to land?!  And how FAST?! And will my $2.95 parachute from ‘Cheap As Chips’ stay together till I get there?  I’m not too proud to admit that I was saying my prayers all the way down, praying to The Great Bear that this wasn’t going to be my last day on Earth because – because – well, it just wouldn’t be fair!  Then a very large bird went past me at about fifty miles an hour and boy was IT surprised! – I suppose it’s not every day you see a travelling bear come whizzing past your earhole!

    Well, I was just starting to relax a bit – I mean, there’s not a whole lot to do up there except keep falling – and then I spot the land, way down below, and coming towards me at a goodly rate of knots (that’s flying talk that means ‘darn fast’), and next thing I know – WHAMM!! – I’m in a tree and dangling like a Xmas decoration. AND I couldn’t reach my Swiss Army Knife. AND it looked like there was a big fat juicy cow pat right under me on the ground. I can tell you, I was pretty depressed for a second or two. This isn’t quite what I had in mind for a Major Adventure.

    More soon,

         Ex 

ps - FUDGE !!  And I forgot to pack my SatNav too.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Wed 31st Dec

(New Year’s Eve) 

Hi Smudge,

    Well, I got down out of the tree - actually I FELL down - but yep, I landed in the cow manure and got my best  jumper pretty gruesome so now I look and smell a bit like a farmyard and it's only been two days!  If I could find a laundromat I think I'd just jump into the washing machine clothes and all.  I feel dirty and tired, and I'm a bit lonely and homesick already as well, and now I'm lost in some foreign country and what if there's werewolves about? It sure looks like werewolf territory.

    What I need now is a good friend.  I wish you were here with me.  I don't think I'm meant to be a really adventurous explorer.  Maybe I should have been a grocer like my mum and dad said, then I could have had brandy pudding every day and no idiot would be encouraging me to jump out of aeroplanes over werewolf territory!

    But, you make these big decisions in life and you just have to get on with whatever turns up don't you.  So I'm off to see what I can find.  Maybe I'll find a whole new friend.  (But I still wish you were here).

    Your friend,

           Ex 

ps -  At least I found my Visa after all - it was in one of my spare socks.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

  

Thurs 1^st Jan

(New Years Day) 

Hi Smudge,

    I've walked and walked for ages and I haven't found a new friend yet or even anyone to tell me where I am.  And now I've come to this BIG castle and it looks sort of scary.  I think I might practice a few of my karate moves before I go any further, just in case there's werewolves.

    I didn't realise that the world was so big.  I thought I'd be finding new friends all the time but all I've found so far is a fat tattooed lady and a bad-mannered pilot and a parachute-eating tree. And a cow pat.  They don't tell you about any of THAT in ‘Lonely Planet’.

    I hope my email postcards are getting through to you okay, as my satellite mobile phone that I paid a whole $19.95 for is playing up.  It doesn't seem to like landing in poo for some reason.  But I gave it a quick swish around in a puddle so I hope this one goes through properly.  I wish I could give myself a good swish around too – whoooo, I really stink!

    Well, I've had a brush-up on my karate moves so now I'm off to see what comes next.

         Your mate,

                   Ex

ps - I'm thinking of calling myself 'Indiana' Bear

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Fri 2^nd Jan

Hi Smudge,

    Well, I didn't run into any werewolves, but I've met the strangest person!  I think it's a person anyway!  I climbed up to the castle and went around the back, hoping I'd find a motel with a bathroom or a Brandy Pudding Shop (or both!), but it was just a ruin, and I was standing there wondering where I was going to go next and this funny little person came out of nowhere and started talking to me in a foreign language!  I said - 

    "Excuse me sir, I think I'm a bit lost", but he just scratched his head-thing and said something like "fadcb" which didn't make any sense at all but I didn't want to seem rude so I smiled and decided to tell him all my troubles because he looked sort of friendly.  And right then I needed all the friends I could get!

 

    So I told him about how I wanted to go and see the world and about the tattooed lady and the bad-mannered pilot and the parachute and the cow manure and all that and he said "fadcb" again and nodded his head-thing so I asked him if he knew if there was anywhere I could get a bath please, and he nodded his head some more and pointed so we set off together.

    I was a bit nervous about going with him but what could I do?  I just had to take a chance that he wasn't a werewolf in disguise and that he could find me a nice hot bath.  I sure hope he's a true friend.

    More soon (if nothing terrible happens to me)...

          'Braveheart' Bear

(I didn't like 'Indiana'.  I don’t think I could handle a whip.  And I’d look stupid in a Fedora) 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Wed 7^th Jan 

Hi Smudge,

 

    WOW!  - a lot has been happening!

 

    After I met the little yellow guy I explained to him as best I could that I really needed a bath and my jumper needed a wash too so that I could get on with my travels and he LOOKED like he understood me (but I couldn't work out what HE was saying, all his "adhbzc" stuff sounded like gobbledygook to me!) but he was nodding his head in all the right places so I followed him across a paddock and we went around behind an old ruin and he pointed to this strange-looking bluey-purple thing sitting up on a rock and I was so certain he was making washing-under-the-armpits signs that I thought it must be a multi-purpose bear-and-bear-clothes washing machine.  So I jumped in the top!
 

    I sure wish I'd stopped to look at it properly but I was so smelly I couldn't wait to get a good hot-wash-and-a-spin-dry.  I’m probably just a little too trusting.

    Well, the little yellow guy rolled up and poked a button on the front and you'll NEVER guess what happened!  It went sort of.….

 BzzzzzBLIPpingtingtingting ZAP!!

 and........

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    ....  I suddenly found myself sitting on the strangest-looking horse I've ever seen!!  And it was even smellier than I was!!  AND it made a noise like twenty wildwood bear's stomachs all grumbling for their lunch at the same time.

    Well, it got up and galloped around this weird great pile of stones in the middle of the desert and made my chin flap up and down and make a noise like ugga-ugga-ugga-ugga while the people who were watching were all laughing like mad and taking photos!  It was SO embarrassing!

    And then before I could even work out what to do next something went ....

Bzzzlllkkkwwiiiinnngltttrrrrriiing

.…. and ZOOOOOOOOM  and I was off again, this time to ......

>>>>>>>>>>>

    “…..  to some HUGE gate-thing that I went whizzing through and I nearly knocked over some old lady with a crown on her head who was out walking some Corgi dogs and she exclaimed (in a very posh voice)......

    "Oh My Goodness - was that a BEAR that went whizzing past my royal earhole Charles?" and before I could even apologise and explain about the little yellow guy with the big blue washing machine I went…..

ka-ZOOOOoooooom

     and then ......

>>>>>>>>>> 

 

    .... and then I found myself plopped down in some busy street and not only was it busy but I was right on the tram tracks!  And I reckoned I was in CHINA!  And the only Chinese I knew was "aqwer ti yuie", which I think means "Are you a pork chop?" (but it could also possibly be Greek for “I’m a sugar-coated wally”) although I didn't reckon any of that was going to be much use to me somehow.  Then I looked about and ...  OH NO! … there was a tram coming up behind me!!  I just had to hope that bears were a protected animal in China!

 

    Then, just when I thought I could see a lovely Brandy Pudding shop in the distance and started dodging around the tram and ducking and weaving up the street yelling out either "ARE YOU A PORK CHOP?" in Chinese or “I’M A SUGAR-COATED WALLY” in Greek - I mean, you have to yell out something, but I really wish now I'd paid more attention back in school during Chinese (or Greek) lessons and at least learnt how to say "LOOKOUT HERE COMES A BEAR!" or something just a tiny bit useful.  I suppose I should have been a bit better prepared, but how was I to know that I'd actually fall into China one day because some large tattooed lady and an antique aeroplane and a parachute and a strange little yellow guy with a purple washing machine that wasn't a washing machine at all would all arrive in my life in the same week?!  It's not the sort of thing a bear expects out of life.

    Anyway,  I was just about to make a run for it, when  suddenly a large pink hole opened up in the footpath and I fell right in and  YIKES!  ....  I was off again, yelling out .........

 

"Howwwwww dooooooo youuuuuuuu stoooooooppp thiiiiiiis thiiiiiiiiiing....."

 

 

....and I was flying through space like it was the sort of bad dream I always have when I eat Brandy Pudding at midnight!  Lordy lordy I thought, where will I turn up next, and that if I ever get my paws on the strange little yellow guy I’ll ........ but ......

>>>>>>>

    .....  but ZZAAMM!!  ZZOOOMM!!  and I found myself on this dry dusty old place with dents and holes all over it as if it'd been through a large war or a football match or something and my stomach was growling like a hungry bear and my armpits were woofy and my jumper smelt of cowpoo and I looked around and there was this wacky looking backpacker in expensive white overalls with a fishbowl jammed on his head!!  I seem to be meeting the WEIRDEST people!!

    Well, he was staring at me like he'd seen a ghost or something and I'm thinking THIS doesn't look like a place that would have any brandy pudding for weary travellers and just as I'm starting to feel a bit faint and I can't get my next breath properly, I go.....

Whooooooooooooooooooosh

 and .........

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    ......  and I was falling out the back of the little yellow guy's washing machine (which I think might not be a washing machine at all) and he's standing there in the moonlight scratching his head and he's saying "adfghc" and naturally I'm feeling just a bit crabby and still smelling like a farmyard and wanting a few sensible answers.  And then this scary-looking beast shuffles out of the woods and I'm thinking "WHOA!  - I'm OUT of here!".  But then the scary-looking beast grunts that the little yellow guy is his best friend and he's just saying he's sorry and that all he did was push the wrong button!

    Well, what could I say?  I certainly didn't feel like picking a fight with any little yellow guys who've got friends that look like his, so I said -

    "That's okay, I suppose we all make mistakes now and then and what's the chance of a decent bath and a serve of brandy pudding and a map to somewhere a bit less adventuresome?" (I know there's probably no such word as 'adventuresome' Smudge, but I was feeling pretty rattled by all this strange stuff and I was having trouble saying anything sensible wasn't I?)

    Anyway, to make a long story short, they took me back to their castle-place and I met Mrs Yellow-Guy and they let me use their hot-tub and now I'm just waiting for my jumper to dry.

    I can't believe all that's happened to me in just a few days!

    All I really wanted was to see Paris and Disneyland and maybe sleep out under the stars in the Rocky Mountains where my ancestors came from.  I didn't think that was too much to ask.

    Okay, I can hear someone coming, lets see what happens next.........

            Your mate,

                  Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Wed 28^th Jan 

Hi Smudge,

    Well, I’ve had a wonderful week's holiday with my new friends, and now I'm just waiting for a boat that they organised to come and get me.  My new friends were all a bit strange, but hey, I suppose we’re all a bit strange in our own way aren't we.

    The big fella turned out to be a really good mate and I stayed in his little white cottage by the sea, not far away from my other new friend's castle.  The big fella's name is Mullet and he says he comes from a wild mountain place full of woods called "Dubbil Barril" in TAZZ MANIA (which sounds a bit mad but you might have to look up that one on a map!) and he told me he was on a working holiday as a ladies hairdresser but he couldn't seem to keep a job because for some reason the ladies all jumped up and ran away when they saw him coming with a pair of scissors.

    Anyway, Mullet said he answered an advert for a child-minder job here on this island (it's called Innisfree) and he's been here for two years and says he may never go home.  I don't think I could never go home.  I'd miss all of you (and my own stuff) after a while.

     The little yellow guy's name is Wallingford EeebyDeeby, and his wife is called Evening, which is a lovely name for a lovely lady.  She wouldn't let me take her photo because it's against her religion but she's sort of very white and built like an egg and she doesn’t have any legs but sort of floats about and when I asked her where she comes from she just looked up into the sky and sang a little song, which was a bit strange too, but really sweet.  It goes...

"On the wimblewomble wings

Evening skims the i-pod sea,

While the westering Merryweather sings

You and me and Bobby McGee"

...  which didn't make much sense to me but it sounded nice and I suppose that's what really matters.

     The EeebyDeeby's have three kids, which don't look a lot like your average kid as they take after both their mother and their father.  Their names are Runover, Pushover, and Leftover and we had a lot of fun together and I helped Runover (he's the eldest) milk the cows every morning. Oh, and I have to tell you that one evening Evening decided to make me a Brandy Pudding, which was nice of her, but she put WAY too much brandy in it and I finished up sliding under the dinner table and started reciting a poem my dear old dad taught me –

"My sister's put honey in my hair .... How much can an Explorer Bear!"

- which got a good laugh but I had a very large headache the next morning I can tell you!!  And now I'm off on my adventures again, but I think I'll stick to something a bit more normal for a while.

    Your pal,

          Explorer Bear

 

         ps - I miss my new friends already.  I don't suppose I'll ever see them again.  That's really sad but I guess that's what happens when you are a world traveller.


 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Thurs 29^th Jan 

Hi Smudge,

    Well, I’ve had a very interesting boat trip!  I thought that my new mates Mullet and Mr and Mrs EeebyDeeby had organised a boat, I mean - a BOAT boat - with funnels and deck chairs and cocktails before dinner.  At least something with an engine in it and a snack bar.  But these two fellas called Seamus and Paddy pulled up on the beach and said -

    “Are yuz the adventuresome travellin' bear that wunts t' gor t' Purris?”, and I said -

    “Yes I am...”, and I thought they wanted an autograph or something but they just said -

    “Well yud batter gat en becars the tade is on the turrn t'be shor t'be shor...”, so I did.

 

    And what a trip that was!!  Up-and-down-and-up-and-down-and up came my breakfast after about ten minutes.  But then I felt better but I started feeling hungry so I asked them if by any chance they might have a sandwich or even a little brandy pudding but they just laughed a bit and the one at the back said -

    “Hey Seamus, how the divvil d' these stick thengs work agen now?”

    But they were nice enough fellas and they didn't charge me anything because they said they had to come over to France anyway on a spot of business and they started loading boxes of cigarettes and whiskey and wild wild women (no, not wild wild women, that's just a bear joke) and so I thanked them again and I set out for Paris.

       Your friend,

                 Explorer X Bear

            ps - the 'X' makes me sound a bit more colourful I thought.  I wonder if I'll meet any French girls?

 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sat 31^st Jan 

    I have to say Smudge, that when you’re a travelling bear you never know what's going to happen next.

     I said my goodbyes to Paddy and Seamus on the beach (and thanked them very much for such an interesting trip) and asked them where I might find some public transport to Paris.

    Well, Seamus said that my new friend Mullet had organised for a minibus to be waiting for me, which I thought was really nice of him (and I have to say I was really pleased because I hadn't changed any Australian dollars and I'm not very good at French money yet anyway).  So I asked them how I would find this minibus (I was really hoping they might take me up to the main road and introduce me to the driver) and he sort of laughed and said I couldn't miss it, that I should look for something "...jast a toiny bit colourful t'be sure!"

     So, I went up onto the main road looking for a minibus that was just a tiny bit colourful, and this is what was waiting for me!

 

 

     I have to say that I thought about going off quietly and looking for a real bus but I said to myself that that would be very rude after my friend Mullet went to all this trouble, and if they were friends of Mullet then they would probably be really nice people.  And they were!  A bit colourful (like their van!) but really nice people once I got used to them. 

     Their names are Henry (you have to say that as "Ohn-ree" here, and make the words sort of come out you nose) and Mimi.  Mimi is very pretty but she wears about seventeen bangles on each arm which is just a bit too much decoration for my taste. Henry says he paints people for a living.  I thought he meant like as in a portrait artist, but he said no mon ami, he actually paints people!!  He says that he uses his friends as a canvas and paints them like he painted his van!

    I think he was pulling my leg but I didn't like to say, just in case he was serious.  I couldn't see if he had his fingers crossed or not.

     So, off we set for Paris.  More soon... 

              Your bon ami (I think that's "good friend" here)

 

                    Explorer X Bear

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  

Sun 1^st Feb 

    Well Smudge, we drove and drove all through some beautiful French countryside, me and Mimi and Henri and our colourful mini-van!  There were some pretty villages and towns called Pont-Audemer and Brionne and Beaumont-le-Roger, with rivers and bridges and some vineyards and markets and even some woods, and all the time Mimi and Henri were helping me learn a few useful French phrases that I might need (like "Is this the way to the Brandy Pudding please?") which got a laugh or two when I got it wrong.  They are really nice people and they say mon cheri a lot to each other.

    About lunch time they decided to stop by some woods and have a picnic, which was really great as we had fresh breadstick and some French cheeses, and apples and grapes, but the best part was that we had - Yes yes YES!  brandy pudding!!  Mimi said that Henri loved brandy pudding too and that she always made some to have on picnics.  I think that was about the best picnic I have ever had.  I tell you Smudge, this adventure travelling stuff is just great!

    Then after a long lunch we set off for Pacy where they live, which I think is near Paris, but I was in for a bit of a surprise......

     Bon jour mon ami (I think I got that right)

               Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Mon 2^nd Feb

    Mimi and Henri asked me about all the tourist things in Australia and I told them about the Big Pineapple and the Big Ned Kelly and the Big Rocking Horse.  But I had to admit I've only ever actually seen the Big Rocking Horse so maybe my next travels will be in Australia.  I'd like to see the Big Ned Kelly.

    Anyway, they had a bit of a laugh and asked me if I'd like to see The Big Pumpkin, which was on the way to their place, so I said "Oui, merci" (which I'm fairly sure is yes thank you).  As it's the right thing to do in someone else's country to at least be able to ask directions and questions and things in their language, I had a quick look through my French book and got a few pumpkin phrases ready.  Then they pulled up and I jumped out.

    Gee Smudge, I have to admit I was expecting something just a bit more spectacular!  So I asked a man who was standing there nursing a baby nut-marrow if he could show me the way to The Big Pumpkin, but he just looked sort of puzzled and ignored me!  Maybe he thought I was going to pinch his nut-marrow.  He did seem very attached to it.  So I just said "Enchante" and hopped back in the van.  Henri and Mimi were still laughing a lot.  They seem to be very happy people.

    I'll be staying the night at Henri and Mimi's place and then they'll organise a ride into Paris for me.  I'm really looking forward to seeing the Eiffel Tower.  It's very tall.  (The Big TV Antenna!)

    A bientot

         Pierre le Bear

  (I thought I'd try 'Pierre' for a while.  Maybe I'll buy a beret)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Wed 4^th Feb 

Hi Smudge,

    Well, I spent the night with Henri and Mimi, and I had a huge sleep-in (whooo, I was really tired, travelling seems to do that to you!), then a very late breakfast, but finally I had to say au revoir to them and I thanked them heaps for such a nice lift most of the way to Paris.

    Then my next transport turned up for me!  I hope I didn't look too surprised (I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings), but I've already learnt that it's best to just "go wiz ze flow" (as Henri sometimes said) when nice people are trying their best for you.

     My two new friends are Marcel and Jacques.  Jacques is the older gentleman and his name is the same as Jack back home, but here you have to say it sort of like "Djarck", which is hard to do without spitting if you are a bear, so I had to turn my head a lot.  Marcel doesn't say anything much, except once I think he said "Par-dohn m'sewer Bear, but you are stan-ding onna may fooht".

    It was a very slow trip into Paris but Jacques pointed out all the interesting things to me as we rolled along and told me what they were, but he doesn't speak English so I had to smile and nod my head a lot and say "Whoo-hey" or "Mmmm tres bon, tres bon".

    More soon...

        Explorateur Bear

        ps - I bet you can't guess what “ explorateur” means

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sat 7^th Feb 

Hi Smudge,

    Well, it was dark by the time Marcel and Jacques dropped me off on the Champs Elysees (boy, a horse and cart is SLOW!) but I've been looking forward to seeing the Eiffel Tower for so long I thought I'd just have a quick check before I went off to find a Bed& Breakfast that takes travelling bears, and as you can see, it's just beautiful!

 

    But I can't help but think that it must use up an awful lot of electricity to light it up like that.  Back home your Grandpa complains about people leaving lights on if they're not using them.  I bet he'd go mental if he saw this lot!  I wonder who gets to switch it on each night and off in the morning?  It must be a pretty big switch.

     Well, I'm off to find somewhere to sleep.  Maybe I'll have to use a cave like my ancestors did.

      Your friend

           Pierre le Bear

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Wed 11^th Feb

Hi Smudge,

    Boy, have I had a busy few days!  All sorts of new things have happened to me and not all of them fun - well, most of them have been fun but the night I was in Paris and forgot to book a Bed & Breakfast before I got there and then I went to see the Eiffel Tower straight away because I couldn't wait instead of being sensible and finding somewhere to sleep first - THAT wasn't much fun.

    I wandered the streets for a long time and I couldn't find anything open and then I got lost and I felt lonely like I didn't have a friend in the whole world.  It's times like that you feel really homesick and I was wishing I hadn't been quite so adventurous, and after a while I had to have a good talk to myself, like....

 

    "Hey!  Are you a woosy chicken or are you a BEAR!?"

    I remember my grandfather telling me he used to sleep in the woods and eat grubs when he was a young bear living in the Rocky Mountains, so I thought if HE could do it then so can I.  But not eat grubs though.  I hate grubs.  Even with soy sauce they still taste like grubs.  I'm just not a grub person.  I'm more of a brandy pudding sort of a person.

     Anyway, I came across these woods in a big park so I found myself a big old tree and I cuddled up to him as best I could and even though I was a bit nervous I kept telling myself I'm a BEAR!  I'm a BEAR!  and it seemed to help.  But I wished I had my grandfather with me.  Or even my friend Mullet.  But then I fell asleep....

    ...  and when I woke up there was these two girls leaning over me and saying "Monsieur Bear!  Monsieur Bear!" and boy they gave me a such a fright that I ran up the tree and I was only half awake and I went WHAM!  back down again flat on my back!  It was so embarrassing.

    But they were very nice girls and they tried not to laugh too much.  So I got up and said "Pardon mes ...  mes ...  mesdames ..." but I was so flustered I forgot my French and they had a really good laugh then because I think I called them "my married women".  I'm not very fast-thinking in the mornings.  Especially when I get woken up before I'm ready.

     But they introduced themselves - the older one is Gabrielle and her younger sister is Yvette, and they speak very good English - and they told me I was sleeping in their woods but it was quite alright because it was a very big property and they had never had a bear come to sleep in their woods before.

    Then they asked me would I like to go with them to their lake and help them catch (I think they said some green crabs!) for their afternoon tea, and then would Monsieur Bear (that's me) like to join them for petit dejeuner (that's breakfast!) at the Chateau (that's the house).  I thought breakfast yessirree!  So off I went with them to help them catch whatever they said.  And it really was green crabs!!  I hate crabs!  And green crabs?!  It made shivers go up my legs just thinking about it but I really needed some breakfast.  I was extremely hungry.  But then I thought - what if they eat green crabs in the morning too?!

     We had a lot of fun down by their lake but I had to dance around a lot.  And their lake was so BIG!  Their parents must be very rich.  You meet some very interesting people out here in the big wide world. 

     More soon...

        Your friend

               Pierre le Bear

 

ps.  Gabrielle and Yvette are very sweet.  Especially Gabrielle.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Mon 16^th Feb 

Hi Smudge,

    Well, like I said, so much happens when you're a travelling bear!  After I'd helped Gabrielle and Yvette catch some green crabs down by the edge of their lake (they only caught them for fun, then let them go again.  It was just a French joke about eating them for afternoon tea!  - Gabrielle is very funny), she suddenly said - "Last one to ze Chateau is an unn-gry bear!" and they ran real fast and I had to scamper like mad because all I could think about was breakfast.  And finally they disappeared through some large gates and when I got to them I couldn't believe my eyes!  Their house was so BIG!

     Gabrielle waited for me at the front door (she has very good manners) and took me in and introduced me to three maids and two valets and the butler (she kept calling me Monsieur Bear, which I thought was very cool) before we even got to the kitchen, where she introduced me to the Cook and we all sat down to honey ham and croissants and sugar-coated almonds and a big glass of milk, with serviettes and everything.

    It was a very Posh Breakfast.  But no brandy pudding.  Not that I needed brandy pudding as I was so full.  (Although I suppose I could have made room for it if there was some.  Bears have very flexible stomachs.)

    After breakfast Gabrielle and Yvette took me to the Library in the East Wing (it's a very big house) to meet their parents, and would you believe it, they were a Count and a Countess!  Which is like royalty.  They looked a bit surprised to see me I think but they didn't say much.  It's probably not every day that they get visitors wearing a backpack.

    I spent three wonderful days at the Count and Countess's Chateau with Gabrielle and Yvette, and I even got my own room in the servant's quarters.  But then it was time for me to go, because Gabrielle and Yvette had to go back to school in Paris.  It's a very posh school and they don't let people like me in - boys that is, it’s a girl's school.  So Cook made me my very own brandy pudding to take with me on my journey.  But you'll never guess who gave me a lift.

    More soon,

                 Ex   (I don't want to be a Pierre anymore, sounds crass)

 
 ps - it was very sad having to leave Gabrielle and Yvette.  Especially Gabrielle.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tues 17^th Feb 

    When Gabrielle (and Yvette) told me they were going back to school I knew it was time I got on with my travels, and when I said this to Gabrielle she rang up her older brother Phillipe and organised for him to come and pick me up (Gabrielle is very considerate) and take me to a big sea port where one of her father's ships was about to sail for faraway places.  Gabrielle's parents must be very rich.

    I didn't like to seem ungrateful by asking what her brother drove, but at least I thought it wouldn't be a little rowing boat or a hippie van or a horse and cart because I think they'd be too posh and too rich for that.

    So we said our goodbyes (it was very sad, but I didn't cry or anything because bears don't cry - well, not very often) and then I had to go out to a big field where Gabrielle said Phillipe would be waiting for me.

     When I got there I thought oh no!  - another old aeroplane!  Why can't I simply get a stretch limo or something?

 

 

     But Phillipe was a really good pilot and we zoomed up and flew over the Chateau and Gabrielle (and Yvette) waved to me but then Phillipe did a loop-the-loop (it was a very powerful aeroplane) but when I was upside down my brandy pudding fell out of my backpack and rolled around my ears!  I was frightened that the aeroplane's roof-thing might come off and I'd lose my lunch.  (That's a bear joke).  I was more concerned that it might be au revoir brandy pudding and au revoir Monsieur Bear!
    A-a-anyway, we got to the sea port okay, and I was looking forward to a lovely few weeks cruise in a big rich person's ship, but ...... it's a container ship!  It's a perfectly good container ship I'm sure, but I thought that just for once I might be able to travel in a tiny bit of luxury - morning teas served on the after-deck and Champagne and nibbles at mid-afternoon and dinner in the evening at the captain's table.  And a swimming pool and a gymnasium.  I don't ask for much.  And I don't even know where we're going!  I forgot to ask!

    But, the worst part is I have to share a cabin with some strange people.  I was concerned that one of them might pinch my brandy pudding so I went for a long walk around the ship and finished up right at the top. 

 

 

    It's a very long way above the water.  It makes me a bit giddy just to look down.  A travelling bear has a lot to put up with.  Sometimes I wish I was back home sitting on my shelf and I hadn't felt quite so adventurous.  I seem to have left all my old friends AND all my new friends behind.  I think I just feel a bit lonely and sorry for myself.

    Your old friend

           Explorer 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  

 

Sat 21^st Feb 

Hi Smudge,

    I seem to have been sailing for a long time, it's a very big ocean that I'm on and container ships don't seem to be in any hurry.  Sometimes I wish I had enough credit on my Visa card to catch a plane.

 

    But, at least I've settled in a bit better, because on that first day that I went for a long walk around the ship I was standing at the top and feeling a bit lonely and a message came over the loud-speaker that there was going to be a lifeboat practice!  And everyone had to put on their life-jacket and go to the boats.

    No-one told me that I'd have to practice to abandon ship!  So I ran like mad and went down some stairs and through a port hole and around the cargo and in the end I got lost (they should give you a map!) but eventually I came up out of this funnel thing and I nearly fell over a sea-dog.  And he was already in his jacket!

    Well, I asked him if I might be in the right place (I knew I wasn't but it was worth a try) but he was asleep and dreaming dog stuff and I didn't like to wake him up because he was a very large sea-dog and might have been really grumpy.

 

     So I ran around some more (boy, this bit is SO embarrassing!) and then the dog woke up and when he saw me he was really surprised and he nearly jumped out of his skin.  I don't think I look all that scary!  Maybe he doesn't get to meet many travelling bears.

    Anyway, he did this huge WOOOFF!!!  and it scared the living daylights out of me and I fell back down the funnel thing and tumbled about and then I sort of shot out of this opening right into this lady sailor's lap and got tangled up in her lifejacket strings and stuff.

     Ohmylivingstars it was SO not cool!

    And all of the crew were standing there gawping like they couldn't believe their eyes, and they already had their lifejackets on, and I didn't even have one.  Sometimes I think I'm just not cut out for all this adventure business.  If I'd had a magic wand at that second I tell you I would've waved it around and put myself right back home in my nice safe comfortable house with my nice safe comfortable people.  But, I guess you decide to do these things, so you just have to do the best you can.  But sometimes my best just doesn't seem to be good enough.

     Well, they all had a bit of a laugh in the end and the lady sailor and the bosun ('bosun' is sailor talk for 'the boss', but I don't mean the captain - I don't think captains have to do lifeboat drill) they got me untied and we all went back to the galley (that's sailor talk for the kitchen) and we all had a serve of my brandy pudding because I thought it was the least I could do seeing as how they had all been so good about having a travelling bear mess up their lifeboat drill.  It was a very long day.

    More soon,

        Your friend

              Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sat 28^th Feb 

Hi Smudge,

    I'm getting really bored with all this ship stuff.  Bored bored bored.  Ships are SO slow!  And everywhere you look there's just - WATER!

    Anyway, the lady sailor took me up to meet the Captain the other day, but I think his name must be Captain Grumpy!  I've got a feeling that he doesn't like carrying passengers, but Gabrielle's father the Count owns the ship so I don't suppose he can very well put me off.  We had our photo taken together.

 

 

     It's about the most exciting thing that's happened all week!  (I’m being sarcastic).

 

    Your friend

             Ex

 ps - the sea dog doesn't like me either!  Every time I get too close to him he licks his lips and growls  "rrrrrrabbits"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Mon 9^th March 

Hi Smudge,

    I'm getting along okay on the ship, and the dog doesn't look sideways at me any more, but a strange thing did happen to me this week.

    I overheard the captain saying something to the bosun about me being a "Jonah", but if the captain wasn't so grumpy I would have told him that I'm actually part Grizzly and part Kodiak - well, that's what I always tell people when they ask me what sort of bear I am.  My mum and dad were both Browns but my great-grandpa came from the Rocky Mountains in Canada and I'm sure they were all Grizzlies and Kodiaks up there.

    Anyway, just after I heard the captain say that I was a "Jonah" he said he was stopping off to unload some containers (I had NO idea where we were!) and he asked me would I like to go and see some of the town's special touristy things while we were in the port.  Well, I thought he was trying to be not quite so grumpy so I said yes thank you sir, and then he said well, it's best if you wait and see them at night because that's when they look the best.

    A-a-a-anyway, to make a long story short, I headed off after I had my tea (NO-body knows how to make brandy pudding on this ship!) and went and had a look at the touristy stuff, but it was just a great big half-finished round building with lots of windows and somebody had left all the lights on same as in Paris.  I wasn't very impressed.

    BUT, when I went back to the ship, it was GONE!  The captain must have forgotten that I got off!  But I could still see it's lights, heading out to sea, so I went to see the Lifeboat & Coastguard people and told them my story about the grumpy captain and the seadog and the lady sailor and the lifeboat drill that I had a few problems with, and the man at the Coastguard had a bit of a smile and then HE said something about me being a "Jonah" and I was just going to tell HIM that I was part Grizzly and all that and he said -

    "Would-a you-a like-a de leeft Senor Bear?" so I thought I'd better just say "Yes Please Sir" and be happy that he was going to help me.  Because I had NO idea where I was.  And my Visa Card only had $1.35 left on it.

     Anyway, I waited around until it got light enough to get their speedboat out because that's what I though Lifeboat & Coastguard people used, but they wheeled out this humungous helicopter!  I thought Oh no, more flying!  But then I thought that at least they'll be able to land it on the ship's deck.

    But NO WAY!  As soon as they saw the ship they stuck me in this harness thing....

 

.....and said arreeva-derchi and lowered me over the side!  Put me straight down into the middle of another lifeboat drill and the lady sailor said Bonjour mon petite fleur and the bosun said Sacre Bleu !!  and the seadog said rrrrrrrabbits and captain grumpy said Oh no it's BACK !
    I tell you, I'm getting off this ship as soon as I see a place I like.

         More soon…. 

                 E B

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Sat 14^th March 

HELP   SMUDGE       IT’S A 

                    TERRIBLE   STORM    aNd

 

                                        MY 

 SATELLITE   PHONE  IS   ALL  wet and

 

                     MAKING SPaRKzzz       And   I  CAN'T  FIND  my   LIFE JACKET 

               AND  I  CAN'T       S W I M    A N D    I 

 

     DIDN'T  DO  MY  LifebOAT   DRILL    AnD…    AnD… 

                          OH  NO  WE're  GOING  To.....

 

    .....  be SHIPWRECKED !!

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

(The next day)

 

     And we were ! ! !

    I never had such a bad night in my life!  - ship going up-and-down-and-up-and-down and lightning and wind and the ocean was up over the top of the ship and I didn't have a life jacket and I never did the boat drill or anything!  And I wasn't sure that the captain really knew what he was doing!

    Then, just when I thought we were all going to Davey Jones's Locker (that's sailor talk for The Bottom Of The Ocean) some time early in the morning there was an almighty CRASH!!!  and we all went flying and the ship went over on its side and I slid right off the deck and went over the edge and I was saying my prayers as fast as I could and then I went WHAM!! into a rubber lifeboat and it was like a trampoline and I bounced right out again and suddenly I was on the beach.

    Well Smudge, I've got to tell you I was OUT of there!!  People were gathering around and I ran past some photographers and I could hear the captain yelling something (maybe he was worried about me and he might have been calling out my name) but I'm never going on a ship ever again!

    So now I don't know what country I'm in and I've still only got $1.35 on my Visa card.  But at least I’ve got my good old email-sending satellite phone working properly again.

    Your tired and lost friend

 

                    Ex

 

ps - this is the photo that was on the front page of the local newspapers. 
 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sun 22^nd March 

Hi Smudge,

    Well, a lot has happened in the last few days and you'd have to say that this is turning out to be a pretty fascinating trip.  If you leave out travel machines that don't work right and bailing out of aeroplanes and the occasional shipwreck that is.

    After the ship finished up on the beach I got to heck out of there and walked and walked for a long time and finally came to a little town, and there was snow laying about and I was just starting to wonder what I was going to do next when a little old lady stopped and patted me on the head (I HATE it when little old ladies pat me on the head like I was a toy or something!) but she seemed nice enough so I asked her what country I was in and she looked at me a bit funny but said I was in Canada!  I thought whoa!  - this is all right!  - I'm supposed to have lots of relatives in Canada.  There's Browns and Kodiaks in my grandfather's family and Grizzlies in my grandmother's, so I thought I might go and look some of them up. 

    I asked her if she knew where I might find any Kodiaks or Grizzlies and she laughed and said I'd have to go up into the mountains because they all lived in the woods up there.

    I don't know what was so funny about that but I thanked her and started heading for the mountains, but this man with a strange bike thing came along and asked me if I'd like a lift so I jumped on and I don't know what he had for breakfast but he told me to hang on and he was OFF!

 

 

     Hoo-eee, I nearly went straight out the back!  You sure meet all sorts of strange people when you're travelling!

    But the next ride I got was REALLY wild!

    I thought I'd seen just about every different way to get from one place to another but the man on the bike thing said if I wanted to get up into the mountains then my best bet was to see Cynthia Strongbody and so I asked very politely what sort of a name was that and he said what's so strange about "Cynthia"?

    Before I could explain what I meant he did a big skid and pulled up out at the edge of the town and introduced me to this lady and straight away I could see where she might get a name like Strongbody.  As it turned out, she told me later she was an original Canadian from the Mushkahoola tribe and they all had names like that and her brother's was Brian Fatgirdle!  But maybe that was just a joke.  I can never seem to tell with people.  I've had a sheltered life.  Maybe I'll get on better with my bear cousins.

    Anyway, she was very nice and said she was heading up into the mountains with "Big-teeth" and "White-eyes" who I presumed would be her relatives or something and I could have a lift on her sled so I thanked her very much because naturally I thought she meant one of those big snowsled things with the tractor runners and a motor and heaters and SatNav and big enough to take me and her and her two friends but out comes this dogsled and suddenly I knew who "Big-teeth" and "White-eyes" were!

    So, I hopped in and she went Mush-ka-HOO-la!  Mush-ka-HOO-la!  and away we went.  Heading for the mountains and hopefully some of my bear-cousins.

    More soon,

          Explorer 

ps - Big-teeth and White-eyes didn't look very happy about something.  It's hard to tell with dogs.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Wed 25^th March

 

    Well, two days ago me and the lady with the dog sled finally got up into the mountains and she stopped at a log cabin by the edge of this beautiful lake called Lake Heepadeepa, and introduced me to a friend of hers who lived there.

    His name was Sam Slowpaddler (he was an Canadian Indian too) and he said that if I really REALLY REALLY wanted to find the Kodiaks and the Grizzlies then he'd take me across the lake in his kayak to where they lived, but there was no way he'd be staying there because the last time he'd run into those bears they weren't all that friendly.  Then he sort of laughed a bit and so did Cynthia Strongbody.

    Anyway, I said that all the Kodiaks and Browns and Grizzlies up in these mountains were supposed to be distant relatives of mine but I don't think they believed me.  They seemed to smile and shake their heads a lot.  I was starting to get a bit nervous!  But I gritted my teeth and away we went.

    It was a very long way across Lake Heepadeepa, but when we finally got to the other side Sam dropped me off and he was gone!  I tell you, he paddled the heck out of there and didn't even give me a wave goodbye, just called out that he'd be back in two weeks to see if I was still around.  I wasn't all that sure by then that going to look for my relatives was a very good idea at all.

    A-a-a-anyway, I walked along the edge of the lake for a while, but I didn't see any relatives so I thought I'd better go into the woods to see who I could find.  Yikes!  - you've never SEEN so many trees!  The woods are FULL of them!

    I pushed my way through as best I could, but then it started to get dark, and - wouldn’t you know it - I got lost.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Mon 6^th April

Hi Smudge,

    Well, I've been lost now for about five days and I'm starting to think I'm not really very good at being a wild bear.  Maybe I should give up trying to find my long lost cousins and great-uncles and just accept that I've become a town bear and I should just stay at home.

 

    REAL wild bears, like my ancestors were, wouldn't feel a bit scared wandering about in these woods but I sure do.  And I'm sick of camping out too, no matter where you sit the smoke from the fire gets all over you.  And it's not much fun on your own either.

    I thought I would've run into some bear relatives by now but all I've seen so far has been two squirrels and a deer.  What if I never find my way out of these woods?  I don't think I'd be able to turn back into a wild bear again.  I'm down to my last can of beans and I'd give a hundred dollars (if I had a hundred dollars!) for just one slice of brandy pudding.

    Well Smudge, it's getting dark again and I ....  what was that?  I thought I heard ......  OHMYGOD!!  OH NO!!, IT'S.....

H E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E L P.....

 

A   w-w-w-w-w-wild   b-b-b-b-bear!!     I'm   c-c-c-c-crabmeat......

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Mon 13^th April 

Hi Smudge,

     Ohmygawd have I’ve had a busy few days!

    When that huge wild bear came out of the woods I thought it was Goodnight Explorer Bear!!  Boy, was I packing death!  I mean, the bears here in the woods are BIG!  And us town bears are built more for getting in and out of taxis and stuff, riding on the backs of motorbikes, all that.

    Anyway, when that big fella came out of the woods I just stood my ground (actually I was frozen witless with...  with...  uncertainty) but when he said something about lunch I thought he meant me and I nearly...  nearly...  well, you know.  But he just ambled up to me and introduced himself, said -

    “... I'm one of your great-grand-uncles from your mother's father's side of the family.  We've been listening to you stumbling about in these woods for days and Black Bob reckoned you looked like you might be related so we thought we'd better come out of the trees and say hullo before you fell in the lake or tripped over something and broke a leg!  You look like you could use some lunch.  And would you like to meet the rest of us?"

    Gee, was I embarrassed!  But I said Yessirreebob Ernie I sure would!  Have some lunch AND meet some rellies.  So off we went, deep deep deep into the woods to Big Ernie's den, where we had some lunch (I tell you, these wild bears eat some pretty gruesome stuff like big fat grubs and raw fish so I stuck to the nuts and berries and I'd kill for a slice or two of brandy pudding!) and then we headed off to meet all my distant cousins

    The first one I met was Waylon Bear, a VERY cool second cousin from my grandfather Grizzly's side of the family.

    Waylon has been in the movies and has bitten and clawed some of the biggest names in Hollywood apparently, and he's got his own agent and everything!  He reckoned his best part was when he got to wrestle Angelina Jolie.  Other than tearing Sean Connery's head off, he thought THAT was a pretty good part too.  Boy, I'm related to some really famous bears!

    Then Big Ernie took me to meet Black Bob.  Whooo, Black Bob is a bit of a grouch!  Big Ernie warned me he was like a bear with a sore head most the time and he was right.

 

    Big Ernie reckons that Black Bob just needs to find a good wife and he'd be alright but I reckon he was born grouchy.  And he even asked me if I was really sure I was one of the family!  AND he called me shorty!  But I didn't get annoyed or anything - well, just a bit, but I thought it might have been best not to say WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM FELLA??!  or anything like that.  Black Bob is quite large.

 

    A-a-a-anyway, next we tracked through the woods to meet a rather unusual lady they all call Mama Bear, because Big Ernie asked me if I really wanted to meet ALL of my relatives and I said of course I do and then he told me that Mama Bear has a new boyfriend every week and I should be a bit careful about making any rash promises around her and then Big Ernie ran straight up a tree as soon as she came out of the woods!
 

    I'm not too sure about Mama Bear.  I remember reading something about her and three bowls of porridge and a girl once but maybe she isn't the same one.

    Well, Mama Bear then gave me a big kiss and a huge bear hug and I was OUT of there!  Big Ernie didn't come down out of the tree for ages.  I tell you Smudge, I've sure got some funny old relatives.  Still, I suppose we all have.

 

   More soon....

 

       Ex

 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

 

February – I think!  But no idea when!! 

    Sorry I haven’t been in touch for a long time Smudge, but OMG you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. But I’ll tell you anyway. 

    First off, I couldn’t keep my i-pad charged because no-one up there had a power point. Or electricity actually. Or much else in the way of refinements. Like hot water. Or deoderant - whooo – woofy armpits!  But I spent some pretty great months with all my bear relatives anyway, out in the woods, once I got the hang of it. And I have to admit it, I think I went a bit – a bit – well, there’s no easy way to say it – I went a bit feral. I’ve been living on nuts and berries and I even resorted to a grub or two. Done nicely over a campfire they’re not too bad. If you’re hungry enough. 

    Anyway, when the cold weather started to set in, a few of the bears seemed to just disappear overnight, and one day Waylon and Black Bob asked me if I wanted to come with them up into the snow country to do some hiber nating. Well, I thought a Hiber must be some sort of wild fruit you collected it up and then nate it, so I tagged along. But when we finally got up there the first thing they did was find a nice warm cave that they said they used last year and that it was time for "a bit of a nap", and hey, I was feeling really tired after all that climbing through the snow, so I thought yep, a bit of a nap sounds like a good idea to me. 

    But, as soon as I put my head down, the strangest thing happened.  I went sort of soft and floaty all over, and I was dreaming I was in The Land Of Everlasting Brandy Pudding, and I didn't ever want to wake up it was just so wonderful.  Me and Waylon and Black Bob were off with the pixies!!!

    Anyway, when I woke up and looked outside I just couldn't believe it!  The Spring Thaw was happening!!  I'd slept for about two months!!!  TWO WHOLE MONTHS!!  Missed Christmas and everything. It was like I'd been into the TWILIGHT ZONE!!!  I shook Waylon and Black Bob awake and asked them if they realised we'd been asleep for two whole months and they just growled and grumbled something about well that's what hibernating IS isn't it, everyone knows THAT!  Well, excuse me for being just an ignorant city bear but I sure didn't know that.

    Well, they just rolled over and started snoring again, but I ask you, two whole months out of your life?  - I don't think so!  - I had things to do and places to go and people to meet!  I was OUT of there!  And I kid you not, the first thing I had to find was a nice hot bath!! Followed by a very large feed of bacon and eggs with baked beans and grilled tomato and a couple of sausages.  And some toast and marmalade.  And three helpings of brandy pudding.  My stomach was growling like Black Bob with a toothache!

     So, I scuttled down that mountain like an avalanche was after me but the first thing I ran into would you believe it was a mob of tourists!  They were all sitting there with those silly tourist looks on their faces and cameras around their necks and looking at me like I'm some cute and cuddly wild animal and they all wanted to take my photo.  Boy I was grumpy!  I said -

    "For ten dollars and a decent breakfast I'll sit next to any one of you on the bus and tell you my life story!"

    I didn't actually feel like being particularly friendly but one lady was only too happy to take up the offer.  It was a long drive.  I don't think she got her money's worth.

 

    Then when I'd had some breakfast I realised I'd have to make more than ten dollars if I ever wanted to see home again, but this was to lead to my downfall - oh, the shame of it..........

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    February still.

   Canada still.

   In the slammer!

 

    Yep, you heard me, in the local pokey!!

 

   Well, the thing is, all I decided to do was - some busking!  I mean, us bears are famous for being able to dance - you know, in circuses and all that stuff - so why not give it a go?  Nothing to lose but my dignity, eh?  Goes to show how much I know!

    Anyway, I wandered off into the middle of this town and there were lots of other people there playing guitars and standing on their heads and juggling two chain saws and a french poodle at the same time, and there were tourists walking up and down giving them money so I went up to this old fella who was doing an act where he plays chess with a toy fishing rod and I thought well I can't be any less entertaining than THAT so I asked him if it would be okay if I set up alongside him and he said okay shorty but I want twenty percent of everything you make, which sounded reasonable to me so I got straight into my routine.

    Now I KNOW it probably would've been better if I'd had some music but I thought that all these rich tourists would be so surprised to see a bear wearing a backpack doing a mixture of salsa and hiphop with a little bit of Riverdance thrown in that there'd be five dollar notes showering down like rain!  And I'm sure there would've been if only the most awful thing happened.

    I had "bearly" got into my spectacular money-making dance number when that man on the bike rode over and took his briefcase out and looked through some lists in it and demanded (not ASKED I tell you, but DEMANDED) to know where my Licence was!  I said -

    "WHAT damn licence?!" (Sorry, but I was feeling really REALLY grumpy by then because I hadn't long been out of hibernation and my left foot and my right foot seemed to be doing totally different spectacular numbers and I had a headache from eating too many sausages for breakfast!).  Anyway, he says -

    "Your Buskers Licence of course", and I said -

    "I don't HAVE a Buskers Licence, will a Membership Certificate to Worldwide Travelling Bears do instead?", and he looked at me like I was trying to be a wiseacre (well, I thought it was amusing!), so I say -

    "It's okay, I'm with him", but the old man playing chess with a toy fishing rod just looked the other way and says -

    "Never seen him in my life before!"

     Well, was I in trouble.  The man with the briefcase called the cops and had me arrested on three counts –

           (1)  for Unlicensed Dancing In The Street,

          (2) for Being Sarcastic To An Official, and

          (3) for Having Two Left Feet In A Public Place!!

    I was deeply offended, and said so!  That's when they hauled me off and put me in the slammer!!

    And so here I am, thousands of miles from my home and my people, not a friend in the world, in a faraway country, no money, no talent, and in jail with a REALLY dreadful-looking bear with scars and long claws and bad breath who’s in for Habitual Scabbing Out Of Rubbish Bins.  AND he doesn't have any sympathy.

     It looks like I’m done for!

          Ex

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

February-something. About the 25^th I think.

In North America. I think. 

    It’s been another interesting day Smudge. But the best thing is I was able to get my I-Pad recharged. One of the sheriff’s lady deputies organised it for me, and said that if I was still there in the morning she’d take me home with her and give me to her kids. She was joking of course. Probably. But, as things turned out…..

    I was just about to give up and resign myself to a spell in the pokey with some pretty scary jailbears (I was very brave though Smudge - well, fairly brave) when this lady dressed in white frilly stuff turned up looking for her boyfriend who was in the next cell with three of his mates, all wearing tuxedos and as drunk as skunks!  (I've never actually met a drunk skunk, or even one that likes a drink or two, so I'm not sure why we say that, it really does nothing for skunks in general and heavenonlyknows the poor old skunks of the world have enough of a reputation to contend with already!)

    A-a-a-anyway, there was this very angry lady with a big bouquet of flowers under her arm and swearing like a truck-driver and shouting something about two hundred guests and what about the catering you drunken pig and she takes a ring off her finger and SLAMS! it down on the sheriff's desk and says to him -

    "How much is the bail, Marvin?" and he says -

    "A hundred bucks a piece, Charmaine", and she says -

    "I wouldn't give you five dollars for the lot of 'em!  How much for the cute bear then?!" and the sheriff says -

    "You can have him for a tenner!" and she says -

    "DONE!  You can post me any change you get out of the ring."

    Well, who am I to argue with an angry lady (and she WAS quite attractive) so me and her were outa there and I had NO idea where we were going but next thing I know we're out on the highway and she's thumbing down a Cadillac convertible!  So I hopped in.  Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

    It was driven by a little old man in a check suit (and had VERY hairy earholes as I remember) who smelt like turpentine and wore a red carnation in his buttonhole.

    "How far can I take you folks?" he asks and she says -

    "Just to the next town", and I say -

 

    "Could I be dropped off near a railway line please?", because I knew that if I was to ever get back home I was going to have to start doing some serious travelling.  But for free.  And I told this to the lady and next thing I know the frilly lady gets the old man to drive us to the other side of the next town and she hops out and takes me with her!  Starts running through the woods!  Dragging me by the hand!  I'm not sure how I manage to attract so many weird people!!

    Anyway, we crashed out through the trees and we were standing in the middle of some railway tracks -- and there was only a train coming!!

 

  

 

  If that wasn't crazy enough she started tearing off some of her frilly stuff and waving it all about and jumping up and down and I said -

    "Excuse me lady, but are you sure you know what you're doing!?" and she says -

    "Yes, trust me, we used to do this a lot when we were teenagers and most times this train would stop without running over anybody at all."

    Well, I was fairly sure it was just her little joke but the sun was going down and the train was coming fast and I'm standing there thinking -

    "Oh my God, I'm going to die with some whacky woman in white under the wheels of the 5.15 to Winkshaw Wyoming and how will anyone explain all this to my loved ones back home!”

    But then, just when I was set to run for my life the train pulls up right there alongside of us and the engine-driver leans out and he says -

    "Hiya Charmaine", and (just as I'm thinking ‘Why would anyone name a girl after a bottle of bubbly French wine?’) she says -

    "Hiya Dad", and he says -

    "I take it you're not marrying that Dork from New York then after all?", and she just looks a bit embarrassed and says -

    "No Dad...", and he says -

    "Well who's your new fella then?", and she says -

    "Oh, this is just a nice travelling bear I helped get out of jail, and he needs a lift to the coast.  What's the chances Pop?"

    Anyway, her Dad looks like a decent enough bloke and he says -

    "Well, I'm only hauling coal trucks today but if he doesn't mind he can ride up front", and I was thinking whoooo, up front with the driver and the engineer!  - this'll be GREAT!

    Ah, but his idea of 'up front' and my idea of 'up front' weren't quite the same, but I suppose a lift is a lift so I scrambled on and with lots of thankyous I waved goodbye to Charmaine and I was on my way to the coast. But no idea what coast.

    More soon…..

       Your friend

            Explorer Bear

 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


March 3^rd  (but no idea what day it is)

On the dock of the Bay  (but no idea what Bay) 

Hi Smudge, 

    Well, I have to tell you that things have worked out pretty good. So far.

 

    After my little stint of riding the rattlers (that’s American hobo talk for riding on a train for free), I got off at this shipping port (the lady's father was quite a nice bloke as it turned out, shouted me lunch and everything actually - people are quite kind really, aren't they - well, most of them anyway).  Then I hiked down to the docks to see if I could find a ship that might be heading in the general direction of Australia and maybe needed an extra deck-hand.  I know this sounds a bit optimistic but I was getting desperate and it was all I could think of.  It was worth a try.  You never know your luck.  And I didn't have a Plan B.

    Anyway, I was nearly there and.....

 

    .....but every time I stopped and looked around there was no-one there.  So I decided to walk right across this big wide plaza sort of place near the wharves, and I stopped and turned suddenly and what do you know!  - there's this ugly little brown dog mooching along! And he kept making these odd snufferly mumbly noises like he was talking his own strange language!  So I said (politely but fairly firmly) -

 
    "Hey you!  Yes, you with the big floppy ears.  Are you following me?!", and he sort of goes-
 

    "flmbpfrst..." and just sat down and waited till I kept walking.  And he kept following me!

    Well, I had enough problems in life at that moment and I didn't need some scraggy dog adopting me so I just ran like the wind (bears can be very fast when they really want to, it's a scientific fact) and I left him WAY behind.

    Okay,  him gotten rid of, I headed on down to the dockside, and there was this beautiful big clipper ship.

 

 

     Lordy lordy she looked lovely!  And according to the Hiring List posted at the gangplank it was going to all sorts of places, including the Indian Ocean, so I'm thinking 'Whooo, the Indian Ocean sounds familiar, that's near home I'm sure!' and blow me down but they still needed an Assistant Navigator and a Ship's Mascot Second Class (along with a lot of jobs that short bears who get dizzy easy aren't really cut out for, like "Top-Mast Rigger" and "Crows-Nest Lookout").

     Well, I reckoned I'd be a pretty good chance for the Ship's Mascot, being a friendly sort of bear and all, with loads of good stories to tell.  Or even the Assistant Navigator - I mean, I'm 'Explorer' Bear!  AND I've managed to get myself half way round the world.  And if it's only the 'Assistant' it means I'd probably only have to sharpen pencils and roll up charts and stuff.  Besides, how hard can it be to read a map?  So I called out to a Captain-y looking fella up on the deck about the position, and he called back -

"The Ship's Mascot job has been taken my friend

And he's a nice little chap indeed

But come on board me swashbuckling son

There's still a Navigator's Mate I need !" 

    - and I thought my goodness, a poetry-talking captain!  It looks like I've managed to find another weirdo!  How DO I do it?!  But then I thought, if it's board and lodgings and a free passage thrown in, what else can a broke homesick bear do?  But I thought maybe I'd better not mention I've already been shipwrecked once, or all that "Jonah" stuff that happened on the container ship.  The one that ran aground.

 

    Well, I signed on (a bit disappointed I didn't get the Mascot job, obviously they must've found someone with a LOT of personality), and then I went up on deck and met the Captain properly.  Jumping Jackrabbits he was strange!  He says – 

“Me name is Captain Swagger,

And the seven seas I sail,

I've made and lost ten fortunes,

And outran a Force Nine gale.

We're going wherever the wild winds blow,

Yes, around the world we'll roam,

As long as I have breath and a well-crewed ship,

And rich parents waiting at home.”

 - and I thought okay, if it's poetry you want - but the best I could come up with was –

 

“Well, I'm Explorer Bear,

And ... and ... I've been everywhere.”

 

 - and he laughed and slapped me on the back and said -

    "Then mighty fine shipmates we'll make my friend....", and that was the truth and all. And with that Capt Swagger gave all the anchors away and heave-ho sort of seafaring orders, and we were heading for the Seven Seas.

 

 

      So Smudge, now I’m off on another great adventure!

         More soon…..

                  Ex (Midshipman 2^nd Class)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

March 27^th

Off the coast of Scotland 

Hi Smudge, 

    Wow-weee! – I’ve been doing some travelling! But, I’m starting to wonder if Capt Jack has an actual plan, I mean, we just seem to be going which ever way the wind is blowing. Not that I’m all that concerned, sooner or later we’re sure to run into Australia. Or some place nearby. Probably.

    Anyway, after just one day of sailing our first stopover was in Florida, because Capt Jack said - and these were his very own words (because I'D hardly make up stuff like this, would I)...

"I know a great dish of fried snakes-eyes and fish,

That's made by an old uncle of mine,

He's on the Florida Keys and if it weren't for his knees,

He'd be my chef all the time,

So you and the new hand are off when we make land,

To get me two serves - and some wine." 

    So Capt Jack (he's not a bad sort of fella, but all his poetry gets on your quince after a while! ) puts me off at his uncle's place, and I could see the old fella fishing quietly at the end of the wharf, but I was thinking -

    'Hey, what about the OTHER new hand whoever it is, who's supposed to be helping me?', and I was just getting a bit crabby about having to do all this on my own when I heard that strange 'smbfldrf...' noise, and I looked around - and there was that ugly brown dog again!

     I thought - Jumpin' Jiminy surely not!

     THIS is the new Ship's Mascot Second Class??!  I couldn't believe it!

    Well, what could I say?  I’d been sharpening pencils and rolling up charts and fetching snake-eye-and-fish-fry-ups and all that really difficult stuff while THIS guy had MY job!  I don’t want to seem uncharitable or anything but I reckoned I had HEAPS more Mascot-type qualities than him.  He couldn't even TALK properly f'petesake!!

    Anyway, I didn't want to look like a bad loser, but I DID give him a little talking to.....

 

 

....and I thought I had that all sorted out, but a couple of weeks later Capt Jack put into Inverness in Scotland for a few days, and I asked could I do a hike around Loch Ness because I've always wanted to see The Monster, AND I'd been working hard sharpening pencils and rolling up maps and making watercress sandwiches for The Navigator (he’s an old man with only one eye who’s always whistling sea shanties through his teeth and seems to LIVE on watercress sandwiches would you believe!).

 

    Anyway, Capt Jack said okay so off I went.

 

   Well, I'd managed to keep out of that pesky dog's way on board all right, but no sooner was I out into the wilds and being entertained by a large Scotsman on his bagpipes playing "Over The Sea To Skye" (one of my favourites) when I looked around and there he was!!  Mumbling to himself in his funny little dogtalk language that didn't seem to include any vowels.  Not only that but he was acting positively CRABBY that I'd left him behind!!

 

    What else could I do?  I can't have some scraggy dog attached to me all the time, I have my own - y'know, like - my own life to lead.  I'm on my travels.

 

    Anyway, so I ignored him, and went off looking for a good place to wait for the Loch Ness Monster to come along.  I mean, some people just can't take a hint.

    More soon…..

             Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

April 5^th

Somewhere on the coast of Africa, I reckon 

Hi Smudge, 

    I have to say, this adverturing stuff is brilliant. Except for the dog.

    Well, after Scotland – where I waited HOURS for The Monster to swing by but not even a sniff I tell you, what a waste of time that was. All I saw was some old codger in a fishing boat who asked me if I was waiting to see ‘Nessie’ and I said yes and he just laughed and shook his head! Said something that sounded like “Dumwut Sussanachs” and kept rowing. I suppose it was something in the Gaelic. Like “Good Luck”.

    Where was I? – oh yeah – after Scotland….

    Well, we sailed on for a few weeks (there is SO MUCH ocean out here Smudge, trust me!) because Capt Jack wanted to see "an old friend called Susie, who's a very elegant Watusi, who lives somewhere in Africa I think…”, but I didn’t hang around for the next line.  So we sailed on for days till we put in here – okay, my geography is a bit patchy I have to admit, and I was off sick with the chickenpox when they did "Peoples Of The World" in bear school - but I'm fairly sure we’re in Africa.  (I hope I don't have to do too much Navigating).

    Anyway, while Capt Jack was visiting Susie the elegant Watusi in the town, I went for a long walk out into the suburbs (yes, WITH that annoying dog scooting along behind me - I'd given up trying to get rid of him).  Oh my goodness, you should see the difficulties that some people out here in the world have to live with!

     I met this man called Nkomo and we sort of got over our language problems with lots of hand signs and his bit of English (I was embarrassed to say that I didn't know a single word of Watusi) and I said I thought his house looked sort of...  cosy, and he invited me in for a cup of tea and a chat.

 

 

     Of course the DOG waltzed straight into Nkomo's house like he was with me, so Nkomo very graciously put down a bowl of water for him and the dog was making all that mumble-talk, but I think Nkomo understood him better than he understood me! Made quite a fuss of him.

 

    Well, we had a nice visit, and I told Nkomo (as best I could) about my travels and my home in Australia and I think he told me how he made a living sorting through rich people's rubbish and that he had many children that he was trying to put through school so that they would grow up to have a better life than his.

    I think if I'd had a million dollars at that point I would have quietly left it all under his teapot.  But I only had 17c.  I didn't think 17c would have helped a lot.  So I just thanked him very much for his hospitality and we shook hands.  Nkomo was a very nice man.

 

    I must tell you Smudge, it was about this time in my travels with Capt Jack that me and the dog seemed to get permanently attached.  I think it was just his annoying persistence that wore me down in the end.  Every time I looked around he was there!  And I suppose he WAS quite friendly in his own weird little way.

 

    It was while we were here off the coast of Africa somewhere for a few days (it was a couple of days after that nice man Nkomo gave us afternoon tea) that I decided to do a bit of exploring out in the National Park.

 

   Well, I bumped into a lady zebra and I was about to ask her for some directions to the nearest Lion-Free Zone when she started telling me all of her problems.  I mean, I don't mind having a chat with the locals but I WAS on a bit of a tight schedule, AND I was a total stranger.  But I listened politely hoping she wouldn't take too long.

    Anyway, she said that her husband Mr Zebra had woken up in a bad mood and asked her -

    “Are you going out in front of all the tourists again in that terrible old striped number from Target?!", and she said-

    "Why not?", and he said -

    "Well, stripes are so old-fashioned, and because it makes your bottom look big.  Why don't you try something a bit more modern, something chic, like the Antelopes are wearing this year?"

    And then she started crying!  Told me that she LIKED stripes!

    Well, I was just about to tell her I thought she looked quite nice when that dog came up behind me and started mumbling and I got so frazzled that I said something like -

    "Look DOG, if you're going to follow me around you'll need a proper name, for when I introduce you to people.  Okay?!", and he mumbled something that sounded like he didn't mind so I christened him 'Scooter' on the spot.  In the meantime Mrs Zebra was still going on and on about clothes and stripes and backsides so me and Scooter said we thought we could smell lions and got the heck out of there.  I don't think I'm cut out for fashion counselling.

         More soon….

                      Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  

 

April 19^th or 20^th.

In Strange Lands (strange indeed!) 

Hi Smudge, 

    What an education this world travel is!  Especially when you’re with someone like Capt Jack Swagger.  You’re going to think that I’m making this stuff up, but it’s just been amazing. Like this week, when we heaved anchor (that's sailing-ship-talk Smudge, it means 'stopped off') in...  ‘Riding-Donkeys-Backwards-While-Wearing-A-Pumpkin-On-One's-Head Land’.

    The Navigator (my boss) told me about it, said it got this really strange name because a long time ago the King had the last of his horses stolen by his greatest enemies, the Stealing-Horses-At-Every-Opportunity people from the other side of the mountains, so by then the King only had a few donkeys left. But, not to be put off, he said to Mrs King - "I'm not taking this lying down!  I'm off to do battle with these low-life enemies of ours."

     Well, apparently Mrs King wasn't too sure her husband was really up to all that sword-thrusting and head-whacking stuff any more (he was getting quite old, over 40) and she made him promise that he'd keep his soldiers in sight at all times and to wear his best pumpkin hat (pumpkin-wearing was a local custom by all accounts) and also his favourite red cape and that's what he did.  Just to keep his wife happy.  He was a very considerate king.

    But then, when he got on his donkey, he realised that his royal neck wouldn't turn around properly any more because of the injuries he'd gotten while wrestling two-headed trolls when he was a much younger man (two-headed troll-wrestling was a local sport by all accounts) and so the only way he could go to war and keep his promise to his wife was to either ride at the rear of his men, which is very demeaning for any truly proud king, or ride his donkey backwards.  So he did.  Rode it backwards.  And they erected a monument to him a hundred years later.  Because he died gloriously in battle that very same day with a large arrow stuck in his pumpkin.

    True story.  According to The Navigator.  Yes, strange things indeed.  And I believe the dog thought so too.

    So, from then on me and Scooter have pretty much stuck together any time we go ashore, and I have to admit he’s quite good company once you get to know him, even though his way of talking takes some getting used to.  But after a while I even seemed to get the hang of that, more or less - well, sort of.

    And he's got his own odd little sense of humour I think, like the time we furled our mainsails (more sea-talk Smudge) off the Portuguese island of Chaumont to pick up some supplies (AND some more watercess), where it's said they worship the The Great God "TERRY" - well, that's what The Navigator (my boss) said, although I was starting to wonder by then if he wasn't a bit too often "three sheets to the wind" as they say - well, it's something like that the sailors say, meaning he far too often talks rubbish while walking sideways, which probably comes from eating too many watercress sandwiches.

    A-a-a-anyway, he said that the annual Terry-worshipping weekend was coming up and we aught to go and have a look.  Apparently all the inhabitants of Chaumont get together for a big Fete and build a statue of The Great God Terry out of straw, and then to make sure that they will have a good corn harvest one by one they file past it and kiss the left kneecap and say "Groucho Aberleggo" and then kiss the right kneecap and say "Coocoo Eskabonko" which loosely translated means "Senda Down Lotsa Rain, Huey", and they put the initials for that on its legs, in case they get mixed up and say "Rain Down Lotsa Huey, Senda" or even "Huey Down Lotsa Senda, Rain" which would make The Great God Terry really crabby because apparently that actually happened back in 1745 and it rained down pink bullfrogs for forty days and forty nights.  So The Navigator (my boss) said.

    So, me and Scooter went to have a look.  But we were three weeks too late.  All that was left was the statue of The Great God Terry in the middle of the paddock.  With "GA CE" still on his kneecaps. 

 

 

     I said to Scooter -

 

    "Mmmm, what do you make of this Scooter?" and he said -

    "Fwmbr!"

 

     But it was the way he said, it made me laugh and laugh and laugh.  Well, you had to be there.

 

          More soon…..

                     Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


April sometime. In the last half. I’m fairly sure.

In – in – nup, no idea where we are!

In the Northern Hemisphere for sure. I think. 

Hi Smudge, 

    The last couple of weeks me and Scooter have started having serious doubts about the stories that The Navigator (my boss) has been telling us, because every time he'd tell us one of his tales Scooter would mumble "wlly wlly dmbr!" and look at me very meaningfully.  Well, I wasn't too sure what he was implying but it didn't sound very complimentary and I was starting to respect Scooter's opinion on stuff like that.

    Anyway, just to show you what I mean, we hove two (it's always two that they 'hove' for some reason but I'm not sure why they never hove three or hove four) off a desert island called Shlook-ahooee-Cablooie one day and The Navigator (my boss) said to us that we aught to go ashore and see the White Chocolate Volcano and I said -

    "Why do they call it that?" and he said -

    "Because it's a volcano that spits out white chocolate instead of lava.  Honest.  Trust me.  I know these things", and Scooter mumbled "wlly wlly dmbr" while I just tried to be polite without looking foolish.  I mean, I could hardly say to The Navigator (my boss) that I think that's a load of old rubbish, could I?

    A-a-a-anyway, me and Scooter had nothing better to do for a few hours so I told Capt Jack we were off exploring and away we went.

    Well, we climbed and we climbed and we scrambled and scratched our way up the side of that old volcano - and I have to admit that I was hoping just a tiny bit that it was true because it'd been ages since I had a piece of white chocolate - and when we got up to the top it sure LOOKED like white chocolate was coming out the side of it, but trust me Smudge, it tasted NOTHING like white chocolate at all.  More like someone had mixed white paint and turpentine and rotten eggs and beach sand!  It was FOUL!  AND it stuck to our teeth something dreadful.

 

 

      I think Scooter was just as disappointed as me.  And after all those really great watercress sandwiches I'd made for The Navigator (my boss) too.  Some joke!

 

    But, then there was the time that The Navigator (my boss) said to make sure we saw The Northern Lights and by this time I was thinking 'Pshhaww yeah!, good one Nav', but Scooter didn't go "wlly wlly dmbr" this time, and instead started wagging his tail and nodding his fat head!  I mean, what were ‘Northern Lights’ likely to be I ask you?  Probably six street lamps and a neon sign that said "Coca Cola" I bet and then the laugh would be on me again!

 
     But, because I didn't want to seem ungrateful to my boss over all of the wonders he was making sure I saw, and also because Scooter seemed pretty enthusiastic about the whole idea, I decided we'd go and have a look first chance.  Just to make everyone happy.  And I had to admit I WAS seeing some really interesting stuff, even if it wasn't quite what I was expecting.
 

    Anyway, a week or so later we anchored off the old Viking island of Hukkstadt-meekendoberlandt up near the Arctic Circle (hooley dooley it was COLD!!) where a particularly nasty tribe of Vikings - the Hukkstadt-meekendobers - used to live a thousand years ago, but apparently they all left when they had a cold spell which lasted a hundred-and-twenty-eight years and their Hukkstadts froze over and they couldn't grow their favourite food which was pickled Meekendobers so they emigrated to Queensland.  So I was told.  By The Navigator (my boss).

 

    A-a-a-anyway, me and Scooter put our thermal underwear on and hiked up to the top of a little hill and waited for the lights to come on like we were told, and waited and waited, and just as we were about to pack it in and go back to the ship for hot cocoa - the most AMAZING thing I have ever seen lit up the northern sky!!

 

 

      Green rivers of light running across the heavens like God was having fun with a million laser lights and I just about couldn't breathe it was so amazing!  Scooter too.  Make sure you see it one day Smudge.  Heaps better that Disneyland.

 

    More soon…

                  Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

About the middle of May

Somewhere in The World (but I’m past caring) 

Hi Smudge, 

    I know I wished I could see a bit more of the world and all that, but lately I’ve been thinking - be careful what you wish for, it might come true!

    Last week we stopped off in a little country I think was called – was called – nup, I can’t remember what it was called - I really MUST brush up on my Geography!  I only hope I don't have to do any navigating stuff more technical than sharpening pencils and rolling up maps or we’ll be in serious trouble.  Still, I’m only The Navigator's Mate and I didn't think anyone would be expecting anything much of me in the way of finding our way around the world.

    Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah,  we anchored in an old port when we had to get away from a really bad 'equatorial monsoon' (aren't you just a BIT impressed Smudge, about all the cool new expressions I've learnt?!) because Capt Jack said -

    "When thunder-clouds start to form, it's any old port in a storm", and so we made a run for a place on the nearest coast. Well, the next day when the storm had passed over, and I was having a good old moan about there never being any brandy pudding on the ship's menu, The Navigator (my boss) said -

    “You should go ashore and see how the other half lives, matey."

    I thought, the other half of what?, but I was looking forward to doing a bit of exploring and so was Scooter, and Capt Jack said -

    "We'll be here for three days, to fix the rigging and the stays" (some days his poem-talking got right up my gristle!) so me and Scooter headed into the nearest town.

 

     Oh my sainted aunt!!  - you've never seen such poverty.  Smudge, it would make you cry to see how some kids have to live.  They spend their days not in school but having to rummage through garbage to find enough to eat.  There were these two girls, and they were picking through scraps in the street, and I didn't know what to say.  Even Scooter was struck dumb. 

 

 

     Anyway, I asked them would they like some of our packed lunch, but when I took it out (we had watercress and goose pate sandwiches done with just a touch of mint) the older girl looked straight at me and started to cry!  But she took the sandwiches and sort of bowed a bit to us and for some reason I felt really terrible.  And really angry!  Kids all over the world should ALL have plenty to eat and be able to go to school.  It's just not fair!  And I'll never complain about not having stupid brandy pudding ever ever EVER again in my whole life.

 

    I have to confess that I got just a bit depressed for a while Smudge, after seeing all that poverty close up, especially the look of despair on the faces of those two girls.  I couldn't seem to get them out of my mind.  Scooter tried to cheer me up by showing me how he could stand on one leg, and The Navigator (my boss) gave me several afternoons off, but what do you do in the middle of an ocean with a few hours to yourself?  I watched some dolphins, and I think I saw a whale in the distance, but other than that it was water water everywhere.  And Capt Jack said I could take the helm for a while but we were just going in a straight line anyway and that was pretty boring.  Like the sky I was just all too blue blue blue. And I mean BLUE.
 

      "Anyway, one morning Capt Jack took me aside and he said - 

 

           "I know a land not far from here,

            Where CARS live in the ground,

            And if you stand quietly they suddenly appear,

           Like WOMBATS!  - the most amazingest thing around!"

      Well, I knew he was pulling my leg just to cheer me up so to humour him I went ashore with Scooter (if you can believe the Navigator, and I do mean IF, then I think the country was called Diggabiggahola but I wouldn't swear to it) and we wandered about quietly for a while where Capt Jack said cars lived like wombats, and sure enough there was a yellow 1985 Chevvie Grossarama hanging out of the side of the hill. 

 

 

     It was like it was trying to leap out and impress the heck out of me.  Which it didn't.  It was just an old half-buried car.  I'd already seen things heaps stranger than THAT.  Maybe it was just time I went home.  I was feeling all adventured-out.  But Scooter was impressed.

    More soon...

          Ex
 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

23^rd May

Switzerland (or Swaziland) (or some place that sounds like that) 

Hi Smudge, 

    Four or five days ago Capt Jack got sick of me moping about the deck looking miserable and he threatened to throw me overboard if I didn't buck up!  (He wouldn't have ACTUALLY thrown me overboard, although he does get a bit grumpy now and then when the wind is blowing us backwards or he sails into a port and there isn't a cheque waiting there for him from his parents and stuff).

    But chucking a friendly travelling bear over the side?  I didn't think so!  But I still thought I'd better brighten up a bit.  Put my 'adventure face back on' as The Navigator (my boss) said.

    A-a-anyway, me and Scooter went ashore in the next port, which was on the coast of a very little island just off Switzerland (or was it just off Swaziland?  - one or the other, something that started with an 'S' anyway).

    Well, I'd read that this island makes its money out of producing very low-cost fighter planes for very small countries that can't afford the fancy ones that the Americans and the French make, the ones with engines and wheels and guns and stuff.  So me and Scooter went to have a look.

    Well, as luck would have it we saw a poster that said that their two best pilots were going to test fly a pair of their latest aircraft that very afternoon, so me and Scooter ran all the way across the island to the airfield (it only took us three-and-a-quarter minutes, it was a VERY small island) just in time to see the big event.  Oh my godfather it was the funniest thing I'd seen for a long while!  Two grown men sprinting down the runway wearing these make-out planes, doing engine noises and jumping up and down!!

       But the funniest bit was when Scooter ran out there making the same noise, and burned them off!  Went past those two idiots like they were standing still.  I laughed and laughed till my nose ran but the pilots and all the officials watching with their stopwatches and cameras and Brave Test Pilot medals got REALLY huffy and chucked us both out of the country!!  Put a nasty note in my passport even.  But Smudge - it was SO worth it.  I’ve been feeling so much better ever since. 

    I've got to tell you Smudge, life was feeling pretty good again, and Capt Jack was happy and the winds were brisk and the sails were full and there’s been lots of talk of having a Crossing Party, which is what you do when you cross the Equator apparently, especially in a sailing ship.  By my reckoning I'd been over it several times already in my travels but hadn't seen too many parties.  Well, none actually.  So we’re both looking forward to it.

    In the meantime, me and Scooter went off to do a bit more exploring, this time in The Republic Of Southern Oddfootia (a small country just below The United States Of Northern Oddfootia) where – so the Navigator told me - it's said that...

             "If many a mile your footsteps you here put-ia,

              You may just discover the Secret of Oddfootia"

... which was just too TOO curious a thing for me to pass by.  And Scooter too.  So as soon as Capt Jack had the anchor down, off we went.

    Well, at the Oddfootia Customs checkpoint the man behind the counter (who was standing rather oddly I thought) looked hard at the stamp on my passport from the last place, which was a bit embarrassing, but he just asked me -

    "Are you here to make fun of our glorious Air Force or to discover the Secret of Oddfootia?”, and I said -

    "Oh, the Secret of Oddfootia", and he said -

    "Okeydokey, away ya go then", and patted both of us on the head.  (I HATE it when people pat me on the head.)

    A-a-a-anyway, off we went, and we'd hardly hiked many a mile at all and we came to this strange pair of boots in the middle of the track, one huge black one and one tiny white one.

 

      Well, I said to Scooter -

 

    “Maybe THIS has something to do with the Secret of Oddfootia...”, but Scooter wasn't impressed.  And I'd learnt to trust his judgement.  So we kept on looking.  But all we saw all day was lots of Oddfootians all leaning over and sort of stumbling about in small circles.  It was a strange place.  So I still don't know what the Secret is. 

    More strange things soon…

 

          Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Somewhere with lots of sand.

Summertime.

 

Hi Smudge, 

    I know it’s been a long time since I wrote, and I have no idea what the date is. Must be about – about – nup, no idea. But it’s hot where we are. All I know is that too much has happened and all I want is to get home. AND you’re going to find it hard to believe how we got here. Wherever that is. But it was like this… 

    It all started on the night of that fateful party.

    I just KNEW things were going too well.

    Well, Capt Jack decided to have the party ON SHORE, which is a real no-no as I understand it, because King Neptune is supposed to rise up out of the deep as you cross the Equator and have a right jolly old time watching every man on board who has never crossed before get shaved with a humungous razor and then get dunked into the briny.  King Neptune (so they say) doesn't have a whole lot of fun just sitting around down there with fish and crabs and octopussusses for company so naturally he always looks forward to a ship doing The Crossing.

    A-a-a-anyway, Capt Jack said he was having the party on shore and that was that (he's an only child and I think his mum and dad have spoiled him a bit), which was mistake number one.  Then he said everybody had to attend which was mistake number two as it meant there was no-one left on watch aboard the ship.  THEN he bought thirty cases of French champagne, six barrels of beer, and a carton of rum, which was bad enough, but he ALSO got in two dozen of watercess wine.  Just for The Navigator (my boss).  Mistake number three!

    By midnight Capt Jack was in a corner with a potplant on his head, the bosun was under a table singing "Annie Laurie", the crew was trying to haul a police car up onto the roof, and several of the lady guests were looking - what can I say?  - whacked out of their brains!  Especially the local beauty queen who was still wearing her sash.  (I wasn't sure what she won it for but it had something to do with having the most Diag-ed Nose I think).  But worst of all, The Navigator (my boss) and his mate the First Mate got stuck into the watercress wine and finished up with heads like elephants!

    It was a disaster.

    So me and Scooter decided to leave them to it (we'd wisely kept to sarsparilla all night) and we went back to the ship.

 

    THAT'S when the wheels really came off !!

    Well, me and Scooter rowed back to the ship and we were both really really REALLY tired, so I fell into my bunk and Scooter curled up on my feet (I'd let him do that once or twice as a favour and by then he was making a habit of it, but what could I say?  He WAS getting to be a very good companion.  AND I suffer from cold feet anyway).  So, even though we were the only ones on board we just crashed.  Out like a light.  But oh, the dreams!!

    It's always the same when I have too much sarsparilla late at night, and the pigs trotters and pickled onions I'd had for supper didn't help I'm sure, so no wonder I had the WEIRDEST nightmare.

    There was this strange paddlewheeler boat thing with a giant golfball on it and it was riding on the back of this huge beast that looked like it was part whale and part unicorn and the sky was all a dreadful shade of orange and not only that but Scooter was perched up on the head of the beast and of all people Wallingford EebyDeeby the little yellow guy who zapped me to the moon and other places with his travel machine was on top of the golfball thing and him and Scooter were reciting this stupid poetry about storms and Davy Jones' locker which is REAL bad luck to talk about at the best of times and I would've been pretty happy at that point to wake up but I couldn't because it just went on and on and on and I'm NEVER going to drink sarsparilla and eat pigs trotters at the same time again!!

 

 

    But, I must've started yelling out in my sleep, because I woke myself up.  And that's when things got REALLY ugly. 

    Smudge Smudge Smudge, how can I tell you how truly TERRIBLE it was!!   I woke up to find that not only had a storm blown up and our trusty ship had dragged its anchor, but were we OUT TO SEA!!  Just Scooter and me!  All alone in the endless ocean with nary a whiff of seafaring shipsteering navigating sailsetting experience between us and the MIGHTiest tempest going on you would ever be likely to see.  We thought we were goners!!

 

    We tied ourselves to a table and hung on to each other for dear life as the waves crashed over the top and the ship groaned like it was in mortal pain and the winds howled like a thousand furies were loose in the heavens and the night was darker than three feet down the Devil's throat and how I wished and wished and wished that I'd never ever wanted to be so adventurous in the first place.

    I don't remember much after that, except praying to the Great-MotherGod-Of-All-Bears and promising that if She got us out of this I'd never ever go roaming again and never even ask for second helpings of brandy pudding.  I suppose it must have worked, but I don't know how, just that the next morning we found ourselves, still tied to the table, washed up on an alien shore.  And there, not far away, was our poor old ship.  Or what was left of it.

 

 

     I thought Ohmygoodness, what will we do now?  And what if Capt Jack didn't have any insurance?  And what will they all think happened to me and Scooter?  Lordy lordy it was a worrying time.  But little did we know.

    Uh oh – I gotta go, someone’s coming. Pray it’s the caravan people.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Same place.

Still hot.

Still waiting for the caravan people. 

    Where was I?  Oh yeah - I'd managed to get myself shipwrecked for a SECOND time. 

    I was thinking, like - maybe I AM a Jonah.  Maybe I'm the unluckiest bear ever.  Maybe I should do all ships a favour and either stay home or fly everywhere.  Or maybe I should become a hermit bear and stay in a cave and live on grubs.

    I was having a REAL downer.  AND I now had poor old Scooter in a pickle with me.  But, we had to try and make the best of it. So we set out looking for a town with a half decent supermarket and a motel.  Nothing fancy because all I had on me was my $100 advance on my Voyage Money as I was only due to get the rest when the voyage was over.  Boy, the voyage was sure over at that point!

    Anyway, we tramped and tramped for most of the day, following the coastline - and CAME BACK TO WHERE WE STARTED!!  We were on an ISLAND!!  We we MAROONED on a desert island!!

    Well, that was nearly the end of us.  We were SO miserable.  Best we could think of was to head inland a bit and see if we could find anyone else, but the only thing we came across was this strange row of stone people!!  All lined up and gazing out to sea like THEY were looking for someone to come and save them too.

    Me and Scooter sat down right there and all we could do was wonder what was going to become of us.  If only we'd known. 

    Smudge, you never saw two sorrier guys.  We didn't know WHAT we were going to do.  Other than my rope and pickaxe all I had to keep us alive was a Mars bar, a can of Cherry Coke, half a packet of very old cracker biscuits, a lighter, a not too clean spare jumper, my one-bear tent, and a 2005 copy of Bears Illustrated.  Oh, and my Sat-Phone.  Which didn't have a battery.  I was sure we were going to perish.  Perish perish perish.

    But I had to keep a stiff upper lip, for Scooter's sake, so after a while I said we'd better go back down to the coast in case we saw a passing ship.  So we walked and we walked, dragging our sorry articles for miles and miles, shadows getting longer and longer, but just when I was about to give up and pitch the tent for the night we came over this little hill -- and there was some weirdo woman, laying on her back, kissing one of those statues!!  KISSING it I tell you.  I thought -

    "Oh man, how do I manage it?  Not only do I sink ships at sea but I seem to always attract the strangest people."

 

     A-a-a-anyway, we were in no place to be too choosy about who rescued us from certain doom, so I respectfully cleared my throat so I didn’t startle her, and introduced myself and Scooter, very tactfully avoiding the obvious question of "Why the heck are you kissing a giant statue??!" 

    Well, she just stood up, didn't even blink an eye, and said –

    "Prskzta brin zimmer der fixtyp san goopi Bear..", or something that sounded like that, and  I thought -

    "Oh my sainted aunt, this is NOT a good start."

 

    But then (for only a little while as it turned out) things improved no end.

 

    Well, with the help of a few hand gestures and some of my stumbling French I sort of asked the statue-kissing lady could we get a lift back to civilisation with her and she sort of smiled and rubbed her hands together and nodded a lot and took us onto her ocean-going yacht.

    Then she introduced us (well, I THOUGHT that's what she was doing) to a couple of men on board and they sort of smiled and walked around us like we were sheep at the sales and said –

    "Kopjolti dis cort quot mitz un smidska! Bear wuz Doggie!"

    -  but in a strange sort of a way, and also rubbed their hands together.  I was just a bit disturbed by all this but Scooter scooted off and made himself comfortable on an aft deck li-lo.  Started humming a little dog-song to himself.  And all the while the strange island was quickly disappearing over the horizon.  Once more, it was too late to turn back........

 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Same place.

Still hot.

Still waiting for the caravan people. (It was just a herd of goats before). 

    I was getting SO tired by this time Smudge, and I thought I was NEVER going to see home again.  My great adventure had certainly done some ups and downs, and it wasn't finished either.  And now I had Scooter to worry about as well.  I ask you, how much can a bear bear?

    Anyway, the statue-kissing lady and her companions took us to a port city the next day, and as best I could make out she said she would drop us off at the Australian Embassy, but there was something about her I didn't quite like.  Or her friends.  They had mean eyes.  Bears can tell about mean eyes.  It's a little instinct we have.  But I decided to go along with it for the time being, just in case my instincts were getting a bit dull from all that staring at the endless ocean I'd been doing.

    Well, she took us to this strange place that was partly under the ground, with doors like caves.  I thought -

    "If a hobbit or a bear-eating wombat or something comes out of there we’re GONE!!”

    But it didn't.  It was a man in a dress sort of a thing, with a piece of curtain round his neck!  MORE strange people.  And he gave the statue-kissing lady a fistful of cash and they had a bit of a whisper and did a "Hee Hee Hee" sort of laugh together, and then she ticked off!!  The man in the sort of a dress thing said -

 

    "Ullo Meester Bear, follow me...", and I thought THIS doesn't sound like any Australian bear-helping official to me!!  And how right I was!!

    Anyway, the man led us to a market place and told us to sit down and wait (he wasn't at all polite either, AND he smelt like he'd been smoking something dreadful in his strange trumpet-pipe thing) but like a reasonably trusting bear I sat down on the footpath and so did Scooter, and the man kept calling out something to passers-by and waving his hand in our direction.  I thought he must have been trying to find the best taxi price for us, so we could get to the Australian Embassy.

    But, every so often someone would stop and tell him a price for a cab ride (although none of them actually looked like taxi drivers I had to admit) and he would shake his head and argue and the person would walk away.  After about five of these I got the sinking feeling that skullduggery was afoot!!

     So, I whispered to Scooter (who had a particularly silly look on his face for some reason, which was annoying the heck out of me) to pull himself together and do EXACTLY what I said, and exactly WHEN I said it because I was about to save him from a fate worse than death!!  Boy, did that get that dog's attention!!

    So, about two minutes later the man in the dress thing was looking the other way, so I took hold of all my courage and I just grabbed Scooter by the neck and I shouted-

    "NOW SCOOTER!!!! ", and Scooter shot straight up in the air and his little legs were going like a power saw and when they hit the ground he was away like a greyhound so I had to make a bolt for it like the devil was after me just to catch up and we ran and ran and ran through that market and we were falling over stuff and there were cheap silk scarves and boxes of postcards and tacky brass jewel boxes going in all directions and people were yelling but I tell you we weren't stopping for anybody.  We were OUTA there!!

    Eventually we just ran out of breath and we fell down huffing and puffing in a laneway at the back of some shops and that was when we ran into two really nice caravan-children, who took us to their camp and thankfully have helped me find a new battery for my poor old Sat-Phone at last - they have a VERY nice family - and also organised for us to get a ride across – across – well, across something that sounds big. But they say that where we’re going we’ll be able to organise our passage back to Australia. It's been quite an adventure.

    But I know it's not quite over yet.  I just hope that all of this is getting to you okay just in case anything happens to me on the last part of my journey home.

      Missing you,

        Your good friend,

              Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Somewhere in Asia. Possibly in the southeast part.

Early in summer (so I’m told). 

Hi Smudge, 

    I’ve given up wondering where we are or what the date is, we seem to have been pushed and pulled and carted about to who knows where and I’m starting to think I’m not the slightest bit cut out to be a travelling bear. All this adventure stuff is great if you’re made of money and have a private jet with a bed and a fridge full of eats. Someone at the steering wheel who knows what they’re doing at leat half the time. If we ever get home I think I’ll be happy just to sit and watch the world go by for a very long time.

    Scooter is looking a bit depressed now too, which isn’t really like him at all. It’s just an added burden when you have to worry about someone other than yourself. But I’d be lost without him now, he’s such a good companion. I only wish I knew what he was saying at times. I’d like to know where his family might be, although I don’t think he has any, just a dog that nobody in the world wants but me.

    We’re still waiting for the caravan that the family organised for us. They say that it’ll take us a long way towards home if we don’t mind roughing it a bit, but we don’t mind, we think that as long as the caravan has a wash basin and a couple of beds we’ll be okay. We don’t ask for much. I hope it’s one of those flash streamlined jobs that looks like an aeroplane without wings.

They’re pretty cool. I said as much to Scooter a minute ago and he sort of nodded his head and gave me half a smile. I really must look out for him better. It’s not easy being a father figure.

    Uh-oh, things are stirring. I hope this is our caravan coming.

       Your long lost mate,

           Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

About two months after my last email (but it could be less. Or more.)

Somewhere in the world. Somewhere in Asia I think (by the ocean) 

Hi Smudge, 

    Well, I did it again!

    I must be the world’s biggest boofhead!  I didn’t even know the difference between a caravan and a Caravan!   I mean – well – oh I give up!  Caravan Shmaravan, at least it was GOING somewhere, and now we’re waiting again, this time for … but first things first.

    We were bounced about, stuck in sort of carrier bag things, one each side of a camel, and for heaven-only-knows how long.

 

 It wasn’t a pleasant experience but we should be grateful that we at least had a free ride across – across – well, to be frank, I have no idea across what. But it was big. It went on forever. And every night Scooter and me had to do our share of the “watch”, which is fair enough, everyone has to pull their weight in life.

    But we usually got the Spooky Watch, between early dark and early light somewhere – my wristwatch died weeks before and I couldn’t find a new battery for it until we arrived here. Along with a charge up for my iPad at last. On Watch all we had to do was sit and watch out for whatever we were watching out for, watch out and not disturb the camels. I expected wolves at least, or brigands even, but it was really boring. Except for the night I fell asleep and the head camel man berated me something terrible for Falling Asleep On Watch, said it like it had capital letters and was a capital offence. Poor old Scooter looked worried that they were going to tip us out on the side of the track for not pulling our weight. So was I. Pulling one’s weight isn’t always the easiest thing in the world.

    So now we’re waiting for …  oops, the tide is on the turn, I have to go. More soon… 

            Your Friend

                        Ex 

 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Still in the same place

Still waiting 

Hi Smudge, 

    I do NOT believe it.  Now we've missed the tide!

    We’ve been with this nice family of a local fisherman for a while now, waiting for a cruise ship to take us home to Australia. Well, I think that’s what they tried to explain to me. Something about sailing and going over the ocean anyway. Has to be one of those cruise ships that we can see in the distance every now and then. But as long as it floats and stays floating and has a half decent bed and a shower and a mini bar in the room we wouldn’t even mind sharing a cabin. We’re getting desperate to be home.

    While I’ve been waiting around we’ve been working for the fisherman, and we go out into the bay with their two kids plus the baby and we fish all day and sort of babysit while Mr and Mrs Fisherman do the serious stuff in the big boat. This is the way we’re paying for our cabin back to Australia.

    But now we have to wait for five more days until we can get out to another ship that's going our way because of something to do with needing a dark night and no moon.  What has THAT got to do with an ocean voyage I ask you?  I don't think I'll ever understand all this seafaring stuff.  If I had some money left I'd catch a plane that's for sure, but I'm flat broke and in some strange country so we'll just have to wait.  Boy, I'm SO looking forward to a leisurely cruise home, back to my people and my nice comfortable life.  I'm NEVER going travelling again!

    Uh-oh, they’ve just told me to grab my stuff… gotta go!

        Ex

>>>>>>

(Three hours later)

(At sea, in the dark) 

    I haven't got time to say much, I'm out in some bay in the dark of night and we've already had a Police Boat chase us for some reason and now it looks like THIS is my “ship” home!!  Lordy lordy, I worked with smelly fish for weeks for this trip and they're telling me I have to ride in THIS thing!  With all these people!  AND I can't see as how I'll be getting my own cabin either.  And actually I feel just a bit frightened too because this whole thing looks really dodgey.

  

    So Smudge, if this is to be my last voyage and I never make it home, I hope you will always remember me (maybe even name one of you children after me?)

    Your friend forever,

 

        Ex (and Scooter)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hi Smudge,

    I'm back!!  AND still alive!!  And at least I'm IN AUSTRALIA at last, but only just.  And it was touch and go I can tell you!!  The STRIFE I've been in since I got on that so-called "ship"!!  I swear I'm NEVER leaving home again.

    As I said, at first I thought it was going to be a sort of an ocean cruise - well, that's what the family told me, AND it cost me my last $10 wages and all - but it was an overcrowded old fishing boat full of desperate people trying to get to Australia any way they could to start a new life.  It was terrible.

    Not only didn't me and Scooter have our own cabin, but we had to sleep on the deck, and I WON'T be telling you how we had to go to the toilet!!!  SO embarrassing.  And the captain was a nasty evil little man with one eye who wore a big knife in his belt and called everyone HEY YOU.  Including me.  It was quite scary.  And VERY disrespectful.

    Anyway, we sailed and sailed for - sorry, I have NO idea how many weeks it's been, I've completely lost track of time - until one day when we could finally see some land an Australian Navy boat came tearing towards us from over the horizon and I thought "Bewdy, a decent ride home", but no, Capt Nasty makes a beeline for the beach, and CHUCKS US ALL OVER THE SIDE!!!  Then ticks off!!  With the Navy in hot pursuit, firing shots across the front of his scabby boat!!!  It was a VERY scary time.

    Well, thankfully we were all close inshore and the people swam for it and hit the beach like they were invading, and they went in all directions.  Leaving me and Scooter behind.  Scooter was really frightened.  I wasn't though.  Well, not much.

    A-a-anyway, I said to Scooter -

    "It's okay Scooter, we're in Australia and we've still got each other, and I'm sure there's probably a town with a McDonalds  just over the other side of the sandhills...", and so we set off walking.

    But, it seemed that once more we were deserted, and in a REAL desert this time.  It's been a pretty dreadful day. 

    I hope this is getting to you okay as I’m doing this through my Sat-Phone, which is struggling to find a signal out here in the desert most of the time.  If only I'd spent more money and got a decent one, with a GPS Sat Nav and all that stuff, then at least I'd know where we are exactly.  And the calender in it isn't working either, so I’m not really sure what day it is, or even what date it is, and I just bet I've missed your birthday too.  And I thought I'd be back by then.  Sometimes Luck just doesn't work for some folks.

    We are nearly out of water and we haven't eaten for two days and now I'm getting really worried that we'll never see home again.  I don't want to end up as a pile of bones like that cow we saw the other day.  It's a very undignified way to go.  Even for a cow.

 

    We went looking for some bush tucker this morning, like you see on TV, but all we found was a very ugly lizard that had a bad attitude.  I told Scooter that I was sure we'd find a hamburger soon.  But I don't think he believed me.  He's a very hang-dog looking dog today.

 

    So now, there's a large hill in the distance,so we’re going to make for that, and  hopefully we'll be able to see some civilisation from the top of it. 

    More soon (if we don't die of thirst) (or sunstroke) (or hamburger deficiency)

            Ex (and Scooter)

>>>>>>  

Same Place

Half hour after the last one 

    Oh Lordy Lordy, I think we're saved!!

 

 

     I tell you Smudge, from the top of this hill we can see CIVILISATION!!  Sort of.  Well, a town anyway.  A sort of a town.  I suppose a lot of buildings in the middle of nowhere would be more precise.  And going by what's painted on one of the shed roofs it's called - I can't quite make it out - "ANGARANGABANGADANGA" maybe?  They have some odd names for places out here in the bush.

 

    Whatever, as long as they've got a bite to eat for two weary travellers.  If we hurry down I reckon we'll be just in time for lunch too.  Oh, my gurgling stomach.......

    More soon.....

         Us

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hi Smudge,

    Have you ever had Goanna Burgers?  I know it sounds gross but trust me, they're actually quite tasty, like ordinary beef burgers.  Anyway, that's what we had for lunch today.

    Me and Scooter rocked into that place with our stomachs aching from lack of food and a young stockman called Hezekiah was there holding an extremely large lizard and he sort of looked up at the two of us and didn't even bat an eye, just sort of smiled a bit and invited us in for lunch!! 

 

     He was VERY cool.  Scruffy, but very cool.  He told me later that he's not surprised anymore by what turns up out in the desert.  He said one time they had two Martians arrive riding a camel.  But I think he was just pulling my leg.  He has a very dry humour.  I think living in the desert would tend to do that to you.

    Anyway, Hezekiah and several other stockmen made a batch of burgers and we all tucked in.  They were delicious.  Scooter ate so many his belly was dragging on the ground.  (I suppose they were Goanna Burgers, although I didn't ACTUALLY see what happened to the lizard).
 

    We're staying here tonight, and Hezekiah said he'll "point us in the direction of Adelaide" tomorrow.  He's a very nice young man.

        Your friend,

           Ex (and Fatboy Scooter)

>>>>>>>>>>>>

(Next day) 

    This morning we set out with Hezakiah and the other stockmen on a cattle drive, because he said he was going to "point us in the direction of Adelaide" like he promised, but we'd have to tag along for a while.  It was VERY dusty.  AND we had to walk, because they only take horses when they’re moving cattle, and I haven't had a lot of experience with horses.  Well, none at all actually.  So me and Scooter walked.  Scooter wasn't very happy about that.  I think he might be sick of walking so much.  He gets to be a bit of a Moaning Minnie sometimes. Anyway, Hezekiah stocked us up with food and water and we all set out, and about mid afternoon he stopped and he pointed to a hill in the distance.

 

    "You go to the top of that hill mate, okay?  There you'll get pointed in the direction of home", he said.

     Well, I thought he might be just joking again, so I said -

    "On the TOP of that hill??" I think I might've been a bit sarcastic, and I didn't want to sound ungrateful, but I didn't come down on the last shower of rain you know.

    "Yeah, not only that mate, but on the other side of it there's a bus stop", he says.  "Trust me."

    So, what could I do.  Hezekiah has been kind to us so I thanked him for his Goanna Burgers (he had a big smile at that) and me and Scooter said seeyalater and we set off for the hill, and we walked and walked and then we climbed up that hill and just when I was thinking Hezekiah was REALLY having me on, sure enough, there on top was a signpost!!  With lots and lots of places on it I'VE NEVER HEARD OF!!

 

  I mean, where in blue blazes is Coorabulka??  And why would anyone want to go there??  And why would Hezekiah want to -- BUT, then I spot it, right underneath, ADELAIDE!!  But HOW FAR??  A THOUSAND kilometers!!  A THOUSAND!!!!  I was flabbergasted.  And I tell you it takes a lot to gast a bear's flabber.

    I was just about to sit down and give up when, down at the bottom of the hill I see a genuine, real-life, hard-to-believe BUS STOP!!  And not only a bus stop, a genuine, real-life, hard-to-believe DOUBLE DECKER BUS waiting at it!!!  Sometimes life just gets more surprising than a bear can get his head around.

    I felt like I ought to go back and apologise to Hezekiah for doubting his word.  Maybe I've just been out in the world too long and had too many disappointments.

    Anyway, me and Scooter scampered down the hill to that bus just in case all the heat had softened my brain and I was starting to see things, but no, it really was a bus.  Scooter was so excited.  And I thought bewdy, no more walking.

    But then -- oh no, I realised I'd spent most of our money on a battery for my Sat-Phone and our last ten dollars for a cabin on that scabby boat that I thought was going to be a luxury liner back to Australia.  We were BROKE!!!

    Well, what could I do?  I went up to that bus driver and told him my whole sad story, about how I'd been travelling for about a year and a half all over the world and I just wanted to get home to my people and about being shipwrecked twice and nearly being sold into slavery and being chucked off an aeroplane and getting put in jail for busking and getting thrown overboard by people smugglers and being marooned on a desert island and that we'd been walking through the bush for days and how we ate goanna burgers and everything.

    A-a-a-anyway, that bus driver was SO amazed by my story he took pity on us and said we could ride with him as far as Uluru.  (That's the big hill Smudge, the one that used to be called Ayers Rock.) AND free of charge.  He said he'd be able to get free drinks at the Alice Springs pub for the next two months with THIS story.

    So, somehow it all worked out okay again.  I think the Great Mother-Bear God must be up there looking out for me more than I realise.  More soon....

     Your travelling friend

               E.B.  (and S.)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

In the Outback Somewhere, Still

I think it’s about September (but I wouldn’t put money on that) 

Hi Smudge,

    Well, we had quite an interesting day today - not that many days on this journey have actually been DULL - because our friendly bus driver took us as far as Uluru, where he said he had to pick up a load of tourists who wanted to pay him real money for a ride on his bus.  I think he might have been making a joke when he said that, although it's hard to tell with these people out here in the bush.

    Anyway, he said that he had a friend called Mr Inkburner who was a newspaper reporter, and he just happened to be at Uluru in his travelling office, and he'd rung ahead to him and Mr Inkburner said that if I'd give him an interview for his paper he'd be happy to give us a lift south as far as the front gate of Cookawollubidingo cattle station.  I didn't like to say that I had NO idea where that might be (or even how you might SPELL it!! ) so I just said sure, anything for a free ride in the general direction of home.

    A-a-a-anyway, the bus driver dropped us off at the local camp ground, and that's where we met Mr Inkburner.  Who's office was a TENT!! 

     He was a VERY eccentric man.  But he gave us a meal of what he called "Inkburner Stew" - I think it was made out of everything he had left in his camp pantry - kangaroo livers and parsnips and pigs trotters cooked with a white wine sauce and just a touch of corriander - it was surprisingly tasty.  Scooter had THREE helpings.  He can be SO embarrassing sometimes.

    After that we sat around his camp fire till well after dark and I told him all about my travels.  By then all the stars were shining very brightly and we stretched out with hot chocolate and talked about life and the wonders of the universe.  I have to say that it was an extremely pleasant evening.

    More soon....

         Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Somewhere south of Uluru

Late September (or early November) 

Hi Smudge,

    As promised, Mr Inkburner the newspaper reporter - or so he says, he looked more like a swaggie to me, although he was a VERY well educated man - gave us a lift yesterday morning to the front gate of Cookawallubidingo cattle station, which seemed to be in the middle of nowhere.  But he said a lot of trucks came by and one of them would give us a lift.  I suppose you just have to trust people.  Especially when you're broke.  And still a long way from home.

    Just as he was about to drive off I remarked that they had a rather strange looking thing at their front gate.  Actually there wasn't any gate at all, or even much of a driveway, just a faded old signpost pointing to somewhere called Nanasaspanna, which Scooter just HAD to keep sniffing at.  It's the only post for miles.  (He can be SUCH a dog some times).

 

 

    Anyway, Mr Inkburner just said the thing must be the manager's new mail box, and he said seeyalater and thanks for the story and he was gone.  So we just had to wait. Wait and wait and wait. For a passing truck to somewhere. Preferably a bit further south.

    A-a-a-nyway, I thought I'd have a look inside the mailbox thing, and boy was it just a bit weird!  It had dials and levers and stuff in it!!  What would a mail box need those for??

   And THEN! - oh my sainted aunt! -  you'll NEVER believe what we saw coming up the track!!  OH ...  MY...  GOD !!!! 

    Right there!!!

    Before our very eyes!!!

    As large as life, walking up to us along the track!!!

    In the middle of nowhere!!!

    My old friends Wallingford and Mullet!!!

    Well, I thought I was dreaming.  Wallingford was waving his funny little arms about and blathering on in that strange language of his, and Mullet had a silly look on his face and he just said -

    "He say g'day...", like it's all quite normal to run into old friends on some dirt track miles from anywhere in the middle of Australia.  I was SO flabbergasted I couldn't even speak.  Scooter just hid behind me.  Fat lot of good HE would be if they were really desperados or something.

    Eventually I sort of said -

    "Where ...  how ...  when ...  what in the BLUE BLAZES are you two doing HERE??!!", and Mullet just says -

    "Felt like hol-i-day, boss try new ma-chine (and he points at the round thing behind me), meant to go to Dis-ney-land."

    And if all that wasn't amazing enough, you'll never guess what happened next. Mullet sort of smiles at me and says "YOU FA-MOUS", and shows me a newspaper he was carrying.

    I was speechless - again!!

    Right there on the front page was me and Scooter, and YOU!!!

 

 

    Mr Inkburner the reporter had apparently recorded the story that I told him and took it to the local paper and they'd splashed it all over last Monday's edition!!  I said -

 

    "Where the HECK did you get THIS??!", and Mullet tells me that after they accidentally turned up here in the wilds of Australia in Wallingford's experimental new Travel-Ball and thought 'THIS not Dis-ney-land', they set off looking for civilisation and some tools, and found that there's a town not far away.  Where they bought the paper.  And several spanners.

    I have to say now that I was just a bit embarrassed.  I have to admit that I may have stretched the truth just a smidgeon here and there when I was telling Mr Inkburner my adventures.  I just sort of got carried away.  My name really isn't Hannibal for a start, but I thought it sounded sort of - colourful.  And I didn't think that it would all finish up in the papers, did I!!  And I'm sorry Smudge, but when Mr Inkburner asked who I'd been sending all my travel stories to, I thought I'd have a bit of a joke and I whipped out that great photo of you I have on my Sat-Phone, and told him it was "Honey Golightly, the international woman of mystery"!!  He swallowed the story like a hungry lion!!

    A-a-a-anyway, now Wallingford and Mullet have decided to come home with me for a holiday, seeing as how their Travel-Ball has a broken transmogrifier (whatever THAT is) and can't be fixed.  So, we're off into the town to find some transport.

    More soon.......

              Ex (and Scooter) (and now Wallingford and Mullet)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Heading south! Somewhere between Out There and Home!

It’s a Monday 

Hi Smudge,

    Well oh well oh WELL!!  We're ON OUR WAY HOME at last!!!

    Me and Scooter and Wallingford and Mullet walked into the town the other day and what do you know, it was on the railway line to civilisation!  And all we needed was about $120.  Which I didn't have.  And the weekly train to Blinkaminkayastinka (which has a connection to Bunganunga Creek, which is on the main line to Adelaide) was coming through in twenty minutes!!!  Oh my godfather, how was I going to get $120 in twenty minutes??!

    I quickly asked Mullet if he could sing or dance but he said -

    "Got two left feet - sing like concrete mixer", and I already KNEW how good I was at busking, so it looked like we were doomed.  Doomed doomed doomed.  I beat my head and cried out -

    "I'm NEVER going to get home!!  Lost in the wilds forever for the sake of a lousy $120!! "  (I admit that I sometimes get a bit over-dramatic when things just don't go my way for too many days in a row.  Especially when I'm hungry.  And tired.  And need a shower.)

     A-a-a-anyway, Wallingford quietly says -

    " dtmbvcxzkjhgfdsbncz ", which was just so much gobbledygook to me and I got a bit snappy with him and Mullet grunted -

    "He turn crabby people into cane toads!  He ask will Visa do?"

    Well, I felt like a total dillberry.  So I quickly apologised.  (I don't think I'd like to be a cane toad.  And I think there's already enough cane toads in the country anyway).

    So, Wallingford whips out his Visa card, and we hit the ticket office, and in no time at all we're on that train and we're HOMEWARD BOUND!!!  I am a happy bear.

            Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Nearly Home
Wednesday 

Hi Smudge,

    Well, we've made it home - well, sort of.

    After a couple of days of transferring from one train to another, we got into Adelaide this morning, but that text from you threw me right off balance. They sold the house?!! My house?!! And moved?!!

    Well, okay, it’s not actually MY house, but … but … but it’s where I live! It all gave me the strangest feeling.  I sort of felt like that maybe I didn't belong here any more or something.  Instead of being really happy to be home, I was a bit - sad.  Like something really big in my life had ended and I didn't know what might come next.  I suddenly needed to see my old house.  Bears are like that.  We get very attached to some places.

    Anyway, Wallingford and Mullet said they'd like to see where I used to live by the sea (I think they knew I was feeling a bit blue - they've been such good friends), so we got a taxi down the coast.  We stood out in the street in front of my old house and I told them all about my people, especially about you and the barbecues we used to have when you came to visit.  It was VERY nostalgic.  I even had poor old Scooter in tears.

    Oh well, nothing lasts forever, bears and children and people all get older and things change and sometimes you just have to move on.  Be optimistic about what lies ahead.  And so much has happened to me on my long journey, I suppose I'VE changed a lot.  Hopefully for the better.  Ah, it's been a bitter-sweet sort of a day.

    So, time to find my people and start my new life.......

        Your best friend forever,

              Ex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Still Wednesday

Home Sweet (New) Home 

Hi Smudge,

    It's me again.  What a job we had this afternoon finding my people's new home!!

    Your text said that "...they live in a new house near the sea that has a castle thing on top with a flagpole...", but when we went looking for a house like that we couldn't see one at all.  We found that houses with castle things on top are pretty rare.

    I was getting VERY frustrated.  And Wallingford kept waffling on about "… cjmdzfghfc' …" but I just kept going up street after street looking for my people’s new house till finally Mullet stands right in front of me (he's not an easy person to ignore I can tell you) and he says -

    "We got GOO-GLE!!", and dials up the White Pages on his smartphone and tells me the address!!

    I felt SUCH a fool.  Even Scooter looked at me like I was a dunderblocken.  (That's Bear for Fathead).

     A-a-a-anyway, we finally found it, and whooo, was everyone impressed! Even Wallingford. And he’s not an easy guy to impress at the best of times.

    But then it was time to say goodbye to my new friends, and I felt SO sad.  And then I thought well, why don't they stay for a while with me and my people?  Have a holiday by the sea?  I mean, they've been so good to me.  And the house sure looks like it might have a spare room or two.  Besides, I still owe Wallingford $78.93 for mine and Scooters fares.  Plus the ten hamburgers Scooter ate.  AND the three serves of brandy pudding I had on the train.  So, I invited them to stay over and they accepted.  I have to say I feel very pleased about that.

    Well Smudge, it's time for me to let them know I'm back from my travels, and to settle into my new home....

          Your good friend

               Explorer (I've Been Everywhere) Bear

 

ps – I think we’ll set up in the tower thing with the flagpole.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Saturday

(In The Tower!)

Hi Smudge,

    One last email, just to let you know that I really am home with my people and settled in nicely.

    It has been a wonderful adventure but I'm SO happy to be back.  Not many bears get the opportunity to travel all around the world and see so many things and meet so many interesting people, but I think I've used up all my wanderlust (and my luck!! ) and I'll be content to simply be my old self again and just have my memories to enjoy.

    And it's great to have my two friends stay a while too, although I don't think Scooter and Wallingford know quite what to make of each other.  Mullet thinks our new house is very nice.  Especially the TV lounge.  He could be here for a while.

     Well, that's about all Smudge, thank you for letting me share my awesome journey with you, and for being such a good friend.

    Your very special old mate,

          Explorer Bear

 

ps - I think I might publish a book  !!

>>>>>>>>>>>> THE END >>>>>>>>>>>>>>